goodbye and anneyeong

salam..

hari ini hati aku meruntun lagi. selepas baca azam asharul's cool blog.

aku rindu gelak ketawa aku sendiri.

aku rindu pose depan kamera digital dan senyum.

2011 dah pergi. syukur pada Dia, aku masih bernafas hari ini.

<tarik nafas dalam2><hembus>

this is the breath of 2012.

welcome to the world where you cant start and stop anything until your result come out!

as an SPM leaver, i think that feeling is so relevant to me.

seriously, the world seemed either NOT moving at all or moved in the fastest rate in a nano world. 

what i know is, what i do now, is going to be different. 

apa yang dah lepas, itu bukan LIFE that any people would live in.

i know that. so, i have got to let this life go. 

GOING TO A DRIVING SCHOOL SOON!

sekolah jugak, kan?

so, kena disiplin sikit.. 

i'll make this as fast as possible so that i dont have to worry about going anywhere.

except for the fact that i dont have any car.. :(

anyway, just now i watched AnwarHadi and he was UGH. how could he be so good in his communication skill?! 

*frustrated cuz i'm easily attracted by those kind of people.

i need you guys to build a new better me, okay?

berCINTA

okay, so tajuk kita harini sangat sensitif atau tak... terpulanglah pada mana2 individu yang hidup atas muka bumi ini. gambar yang dipastekan kat atas ni, indicates of what may happen when you get involved with the thing called LOVE. 

bak kata orang -orang yang pernah mengalami, cinta itu indah, cinta itu akan datang satu hari nanti untuk semua orang, berupa nikmat dari Yang Maha Pengasih dan sangat manis macam buah durian musang king. tapi, selalu yang aku tengok, tak ramai yang betul-betul dapat cinta yang sebegini rupa. yang tahu erti pengorbanan, tanggungjawab, ikhlas, jujur, tabligh, fatonah semua... especially, remaja sekarang. tapi, tak semestinya mereka ini berhak untuk terus terumbang ambing tak tentu hala dan merana selepas kononnya putus cinta. aku tak nak la cakap besar bagak sangat sebab tak kena kat batang hidung aku lagi.. nauzubillah. ada banyak sebab kenapa remaja tak perlu bercinta. bagi aku, mungkin sebab sikap protektif terhadap diri sendiri, kesedaran untuk menjamin masa hadapan, rasional bila buat keputusan, berserah kepada Tuhan yang telahpun menetapkan jodoh aku. my MR right is there somewhere, tiba masa aku carilah. tak pun dia yang cari aku.. haha seronok gak camtu. :)

betullah kata-kata Fauziah Ashaari dalam novel dia, 

cinta tak kejam, cuma orang yang tak tahu cara untuk menghargai cinta.

kita mungkin takkan rasa cinta sehebat Rasullullah terhadap Siti Khadijah, seikhlas Yusuf terhadap Zulaikha, tapi, kalau kita cuba contohi mereka tak ke SWEET?

nak cakap pasal sweet, aku ada seorang GREAT COUNSELOR ni, dia baru lagi la menikah dengan seorang warden yang takkan pernah melupai aku yang nakal dan jahat ini <huhuu>, mereka ni, sama cantik akhlaknya.. and bagi aku, siapa sahaja yang kahwin dengan cikgu Syahid ni, untung. sebab ILMU dia.

mereka tak bercinta sebelum nikah, tapi lepas nikah, sebelum majlis Bulan 2 ni, cikgu Syahid dah janji untuk bercinta dengan isteri dia. so, apa cinta ni sebenarnya? tepuk dada tanya iman.

may ALLAH bless you both always..

  

life is ADIL

Aku tak pernah bersetuju dengan statement life is NOT fair.

Seakan – akan ia menguji kredibiliti Yang Maha Mencipta. 

Tapi, dalam ramai – ramai orang yang aku jumpa, belum ada yang sekepala dengan aku bab ni. 

Mungkin ada tapi aku tak tahu, kot. . 

Kehidupan aku slow sekarang kalah siput babi snail yang sedang berjalan – jalan nak lintas jalan.

Aku jugak bukan seorang juwita yang tegar mengarang puitis. Aku Cuma seorang tujuhbelas, jobless, dan 

Tak suka buat kerja rumah. Tak suka pon, tak da pilihan. Aku kena buat, tugas! Aku beralah dengan 

Orang yang cakap you don’t have choice in life. Memang pon. Tapi kita selalu berada diantara dua 

Simpang, buat atau tidak buat… nak atau tak nak. Tapi, ingat kita yang control outcome dia. 

Consequence? Mestilah ada. Misal? 

Pagi2, saat aku kembali membuta usai subuh yang hening, kedengaran sayup-sayup suara bonda 

Ayahanda berpesan-pesan, kerja rumah.. minta tolong pada anaknya yang pemalas tak boleh diharap ni.

Hari itu berlalu dengan mudah dan aman, aku pergi bermain dengan babies di rumah sebelah, tonton 

90210 di Starworld  dan ku sudahi televisyen dengan Tentang Dhia.

Maghrib, bonda ayahanda tiba dirumah yang serba kekurangan. Tiba2, kedengaran suara kecewa, mata 

dan batang tubuh yang letih itu merintih. aku lupa buat! Haaaih, tangguh lagi! Padan muka kau!

Kan, selautan serba salah merasuk jiwa raga aku.  Terkocoh kocoh aku pergi laksanakan yang aku 

tinggalkan.

Itulah! Fair la kan, goyang kaki kat rumah sedap2, orang kerja sana sini kerah peluh nak bagi makan aku, 

kerja sikit pon tak boleh buat. Guilt is not something that comes then goes. It can only go with a SORRY.

p/s: rajin2 lah tolong mak bapak kat rumah, ye!

jaga diri

salam

ini entry special untuk kawan aku.

since keisha dah buat utk dia, nak sebok jugak klik sini.

aku selalu buat dia resah gelisah tak tentu hala...

pendeknya, mulut aku ni slalu gak buat dia nangis.. tapi 

dia setia gila dengan aku, macam kawan lah kan.

tiap2 malam datang merempat kat bilik aku, stay up, kena marah, kena sarkas tu, tak payah cakap memang dia kena punya. tapi aku tahu hati dia baik. cuma, tak bertempat je. haha

budak ni, hati lembut kalah aku, kalau nangis, tak payah cakap. 

tapi yang aku tahu , itu semua buat dia kuat.

sebab dia jadi belia harapan negara. 

fatin, masuk PLKN,

1. jangan cepat terpengaruh dengan orang

2.kena selalu ingat kami, (geng lu)

3.jangan baik sangat dengan orang

4.jangan makan banyak, satgi tak sempat lari dah tergolek

5.rindu untuk aku jangan kurang, okay.

sayang kamu.

akan aku lari

kalau itu jadi rasa

kalau aku rasa mati,

jadi aku selalu berlari.

aku suka lari sebab aku tak rasa

cungap-cungap atau apa saja rasa

sudah lah, sikap orang tua jadi racun, pula.

tapi tak elok cari salah orang. jadi aku lah yang salah.

kata-kata jadi racun. 

jai aku tak nak berkata-kata pasal rasa lagi. 

cukup yang ini jadi penutup.

dah lah, aku asyik sakit, jatuh tersungkur pun aku tak kisah dah.

aku tak nak sakitkan orang lain lagi. coret banyak2 untuk hati, untuk ubat hati

tapi tak guna. orang lain pulak rasa sakit sebab coretan aku.

semua serba tak kena. serba sakit.

sebab itu aku rela duduk jauh, tak kisah bumi mana yang aku pijak, kalau aku kisahkan orang, aku sakit.

kalalu aku tak endahkan, aku sunyi. tak apa, sunyi tak sakit.

cukup lah. nanati aku lari jauh, okay. aku tak nak coret lagi pasal sakit aku. 

aku tak nak orang sakit sebab aku.

tak perlu. nampaknya, aku kena tingkatkan EQ.

airmata meleleh.. tak cukup kan?

agar kita bisa aman.

birthdays :)

27 DISEMBER,

dalam hidup aku, ada 4 orang lelaki yang dilahirkan pada hari ini.

heh, ILIYA ISHAMI..

kenal dari sekolah rendah lagi. at first, kitorang gadoh tak ingat dunia.penyapu la, sepak2 n stuff.. memang tak ngam ah kitorang ni. bt time heals all wound, kan? we get along just fine. kat gombak nie, he's the only guy friend yang in contact constantly ngn aku, yang lain... hmm kenal aku lagi atau tak, aku tak tahu la. dulu, budak ni chubby, skarang dah maintain.. haha. n he's a new bracey. sory ah bro, aku citer psl kau dlm blog ni. aku hutang dia BR cake. 

ENCIK AHMAD FIRDAWOS..

bak kata dia, ada seorang je dalam dunia ini yang ada nama macam dia. cikgu yang tersayang ni, cikgu seni aku. penasihat kadet bomba dan selalu join aktiviti dengan kelab kembara. seronoknya cikgu ni, dia selalu dapat jadi guru pengiring yang terbaik. dan, almost setiap kali aku keluar maktab, mesti dia ada. aku akan rindu seorang guru macam dia. tak tahula bila pulak kami akan jumpa, kan? persistent and strict. itulah cikgu aku yang sorang ni. loved by all his students. happy birthday, cikgu.

 BULAT..

ini kali kedua mamat ni masuk blog aku. dekat sini la mula-mula dia nempek (Tekan sini) . budak ni, kawan aku la, stakat ni. <gelak>. you know what bonds us both? secrets and stories. kalau nak ikutkan, aku bukanlah antara jnis kawan2 dia atau orang- orang yang dia biasa tegur kat sekolah... yelah im not a beauty-blonde-bombshell, kan. among those yang popular,aku tak. dia? bolehla. tapi dengan aku, he's down to earth. nak story, banyak sangat pasal dia ni. as a guy, dia boleh masuk list bestfriend kot, same time aku ngn iliya dulu2.

but no one can challenge this guy. memang dia tak kenal aku. aku pon tak kenal dia, tapi dia menang best physical impression dengan aku, and he speaks english! well happy birthday, stranger.

aku tak tak tahu sampai bila relationships yang aku ada ni akan bertahan. aku hanya mampu berharap yang mereka akan jadi apart of my life forever. i have experience being dumped, lost contact and even unremembered at all with my ex-friends. recently pun klik here . and it crashes my heart to thousand pieces, you know.

HAPPY BIRTHDAYS! specially for you.

TAMMAT (The End)

aku tak pernah mintak nak sayang kat orang. kadang-kadang, aku nak je mintak untuk tak sayang orang, sebab aku takut mereka tak nak, atau mereka akan sakitkan hati aku lagi. aku hantar mesej kat kawan aku ni, sebab aku nak tahu kedudukan kitorang, kawan lagi ke? hmmm, macam budak2 pulak, kawan ke tak kan. KAWAN. tapi tak kot.. 

salam...

aku tau hg org yg lg baik drpd ak.. tp ap yg hg da buat, tak boleh dipanggil baik. aku sayang friendship kte dulu n seriusly, aku memang tak nak benda2 ni jadi. tp nak buat camana..

kalau aku sensorg yg suka kwn ngn kau pn tak gne gak. kau ada sepenuh hak utk benci aku seumur hidup kau.

cuma lepas ni, sepanjang hayat kau, jgn doakan orang lain yang bukan2 n tolong jgn main2 dgn ap yang kau mintak pada Allah. memang aku bukan org alim pon.. n loq, jgn salah tafsir niat baik org.. especially, kawan2 perempuan kau. aku takut in future, kau takde kawan lagi. aku mintak tolong kau fikir betul2 apa punca ni semua, dtg dr kam ke, aku ke, kau sendiri ke, keisha ke... yang cetus permusuhan ni. kita TAK SEMPURNA, mesti ada silap kita jugak.

salah aku, dosa aku pada kau, tolong maafkan ye, walaupun aku tak pasti yang mana, banyak mana, tapi aku tahu ada. kalau kau perasan hari2 terakhir kita kat sekolah tu, aku ada gak tercari cari masa nak mntak maaf face to face dengan kau, tapi kau macam lari je. tak pun mmg dah takdir. tak apalah, kat sini pun boleh. 

good luck in your upcoming life, aku hrp kau jumpa kwn2 yg jauh lagi baik dari aku n kau. dulu, aku sayang kau, suma org pon, tapi skarang, belum tentu. if kau rasa kam boleh buat kau tersangat happy, go on dengan dia. tapi, if kau rasa berbaloi utk maafkan dia, yang buat kau rasa perit, teruskan.

ini yang kawan aku balas..

owh,,haa a'a,,ak lri..ak mnx maaf ngn owg ak rse ak sla..keon,,ak maaf an dy..yan,,ak maaf an..dini..dy dtg mnx maaf..nad un..haa..tengs syg ak..tp ak rsa ingt da abes da..tp keisha p post kt blog dy uat ak sgt mra..sowie la,,ak mmg xdpt maaf an dy..lst..nytin..salam..

ak xsoh spa2 syg ak;)) syg eklas rite??haa..xpa deba..ang tengking ak ak xdpt tima g..cm tepkir gak,ang spa nk tengkin kt ak an??haa ak tggu t smpai bla ley ilang haa..deba..doa ak owg teranaiya..kta tgk..keyh??..xkesa bek ke brok..kta tgk gak cena dosa penftnah..sma2 kta doa tebek tok dri msing2...dy nk tgl an gme ny??hee..bgos r..tebek tok dy..tebrok tok ak..ak un da fedup..ak xmalu an dy..dy malu an ak..smpai msa gak an ak un kna betindak??tp ak xuat..da owg dok nshat ak..sowie..ckg syahid+ckgu aen un tau mnde ny..dyowg yg nchat an ak..tp myb sla ak doa cntu..but stil my doa..huu,,g la deba..xya kaco ak g..xya nchat ak pape un..i noe myself..paya nk tma blek owg uat taik ngn ak..taniah sbb stia kwn,,mens kt keisha,,ebat!!kwn tebek r!!haa..ak arap msa je ley ubt luka ak tyme ampa suma mai jmpa ak tuh haa..cena un sowie..tuh yg ang da plih..ur choice..u chose,,xpndai bi cm ang haa..bye..

so i guess its the end of our story.. sekarang aku tahu salah aku, menengking orang tak tentu pasal.... astaghfirullah.. aku kah punca friendship aku macam ni? tapi yang pasti aku sedih. 

ini untuk kau, kawan.

sory keisha

sorry le tuleh entri panjang2... aku tak tahu bila nk berhenti bila dah mula...

since dah ada orang tegur kenalah betulkan kesalahn kita, kan?

macam tulah cara nak majukan diri.. sedihnya, tak ramai orang yang faham pasal ni. 

dan hal ini menyebabkan aku rasa nak bunuh orang yang aku sayang ( sebab mereka berada dalam kalangan mereka ini). rasa cam nak tembak diri sendiri je bila rasa macam kena tipu dengan mata sendiri, kan. tak apalah, nasib baik dah ada orang yang buat kesalahn mad\cam itu kat kita, kisha kan? so that kita tak buat di masa hadapan... sayang korang.

sayang

y?

HURT maknanya SAKIT

A story about a very close family friend. She’s hurt most of her lifetime with her family since boarding school. She laughs her best when shes at school. Now? She barely knew how to laugh. Because schools over.

Why?

Why it has to be all in place when you are around and not me?

Why it has to be perfect when you are around?

Why you have to be so memorable?

Why you have to let everyone remember you so much?

Why?

Why it has to be so hurtful when it comes to me?

Why it has to be full with imperfections when I am around?

Why do I have always been forgotten?

Why did I miss everything so big that happen in our house?

Why do I always kept silent if I am jealous?

So it IS about jealousy aint it?

I know I shouldn’t be. We are flesh and blood.

You got to go to everywhere woth the whole family (minus me)

I don’t.

You got everything as you wish. Shoppings and all

I don’t.

You got a brand new phone while you still have yours

I don’t even own one.

Well I know I lost lots of things while I’m in that pleasant and lovely and missed-so-nuch JAIL.

What can I do if people keep stealing from me?

Maybe I am the one with the BIG careless sign.

But I cant see any difference between us about that.

I am really HURT, that’s why Im writing in English. No one would probably understand my language.

How am I HURT while im still at HOME, the place that’s no better than others.

Well this is how. I looked through our pictures,  I wasn’t a lot in there.

Its okay.

Then I remembered, when I called someone who’s having steamboat dinner with the whole family.

While looking into those time picture, obviously theres no me.

But, that was fine. She hanged up the phone before I could even finish talking.

I thought you guys were probably busy with the kids or something.

But the pictures didn’t show that.

You guys were having so much fun. Oh! I knew why that happened,

The day before, I told that someone about my FILTHY results. That’s what I thought.

I kept on blaming myself. But I forgot, they got you at that time.

Remember when you’re still in this country? Seeking knowledge somewhere north, same state as I did.

When Im home and you’re not, Mom called you so many times, sent you photos of what we eat and all.

In my whole 5 years, I could even count the numbers of she calling me. Even during my spm days.

Graduation day? She never knew I had one, this year. I was all alone that day. Her husband didn’t remember my BIG day too. I wasn’t hoping that anyone’s coming. Not even you. But, the fact that nobody’s congratulating me… or even wishes me, “happy graduation day!” It kills me. Couple of movies in my MP4 saved the day, you know.

I don’t want to mention anything else, it would hurt us both. I cant blame anyone else but myself.

I am not a good housemaid.

I am forgetful.

I had bad academic reputation.

I don’t really know how to ask for things I wanted.

I didn’t know how make people feel alive.

I don’t know how to show love.

They have to do everything for you to make you get great results. While me, I don’t have to get all those attention and things like galaxy ace and stuff to have me got great results. They really know how to nail us, didn’t they? Parents know the best, right?

But my friend knows for sure, she cannot hold grudge or feels bad about the ones who had been supporting her so much but she barely sees it. She just wants ‘you’ in the story to become more grateful with her position even if she doesn’t like it. Not liking it doesn’t mean you cant be happy with it. At least, you’re always been the priority. Not the one to be loved and remembered because of a big SCHOOL name, or for being a brainsick. 

maaflah

501 n more

dear kawan,

aku minta maaf atas semua kesalahan aku kat korang. im not perfect and i do make LOTS of mistakes.

terima kasih sebab sudi jadi kawan aku.

terima kasih sebab sabar dengan aku.

kadang kadang kita tak sedar masa dah pun berlalu. tak lama lagi kita SPM..

doakan aku, dan ingat, sekali korang dah jadi kawan aku...

bukan senang nak putus kawan dengan aku tau, cehh

tapi betul... mesti rindu nanti.

ustaz zrai n more

dear cikgu,

saya minta maaf atas segala ketidaksempurnaan yang saya lakukan dalam atau luar kelas.

terima kasih sebab sudi jadi cikgu saya.

mungkin saya nakal dan jahat.

tapi hati saya tak pernah berhenti untuk minta maaf kat cikgu.

terima kasih untuk kesabaran itu cikgu.

dear kakak, along, bewa, nana and beby,

adik minta maaf untuk semua ketidakcukupan tanggungjawab ataupun trersilap kata.

terima kasih atas semua support yang adik terima, it meant a WORLD for me.

terima kasih atas semua privilege sesedap New York Cheese.

terima kasih atas kesabaran membimbing.

my dearest

dear Mak and Babah,

adik tak tahu nak cakap apa.

I LOVE YOU..

dear Allah,

i make sins. so i would like ask for Your forgiveness.

i am not in peace. so i would like to have protection under Your shield.

I LOVE people around me. so i would like you to grant their wishes.

do grant my wish as well, I want 9A+ for SPM 2011.

amiiin.

EVENTs!

ANNUAL DINNER

tema: vintage

mood: flirty huahuahua

muammar, pakwe tak sudi.. :D

gengz

bestfren forever lah kaan..
KAKA n muffler gay

super duper bestie

GRADUATION DAY

mood: sad but alhamdulillah i have so many SUPER BAIK friends!

sesat pulak pakwe sorang.. heh

rindu aku tak, tengah?

rehearsal. 

mardi, me, tennab

adek beradek

my super duper bestieee

gengz

skematik

keisha n mella

pakweku pakwe mu jua..
tokoh kepimpinan, epul wat aku nanges... huhu

kish n rab

well, aku sayang MJSC LAngkawi. tak lama dahh..

habis paper biology nanti, tak tahu banjir tahap ape.

keisha, aku tunggu hang noh.... hihi

raya UPIN DAN IPIN

assalamualaikum.

kisah raya tahun ini. aku tak sempat beraya dengan mak babah,

kocek pon ada keping merah, pemberian along;.

aku tahu itu bukanlah pemberian semata mata, itu harapan. 

adik belajar overseas katanya.

aku makin lama makin atkut.

harapan yang tergantung kat leher yang hampir patah ini bukanlah sikit.

kali ni bicara aku formal.

aku nak serius. mood itu mesti ada sebelum SPM tiba.

sambung kisah raya.

tahun ni, pelita dah tambah, keliling rumah cerah, terang benderang.

tapi hati orang tak seterang itu.

sebab tahun ni, kuurang seorang. dia raya jauh, tapi tak apa, janji ada VIDEOCALL.

along, wa, semua ada. kakak takde tapi ada baby baru.

aku?

hati aku bukan kat sini. aku melayang layang.

tak fokus. serabut sebab banyak yang tak selesai.

raya macam mana kalau macam tu?

pertama, kami buat ketupat.

memanglah bukan PRO. tapi okehlaa. BESAR gila ketupat pulut manis ini serunding tu.

pagi tu jugak nana hantar mesej kat mak, lepas sahur terakhir,

tanya air ketuban ke yang yaddayaddayadda...

mak pun, hah sudah.. jadi ke ketupat aku ni..? dah tengah hari, ketupat siap... barulah hantar nana ke hospital.

bermulalah tugas aku menjaga Harith Iskandar dan Zhafran Mirza.

turun berat tau jaga ,mereka ini. macam upin dan ipin.

sampailah ke pagi. tidur sama sama. 

sekejap sahaja aku teman mereka ini sampai ketiduran sebab dapur tak cukup kakitangan. 

chef 2 orang masak. along nagn wa briani siap.

esok pagi2 aku pergi kat nana. 

Alhamdulillah dapat baby girl. rambut lebat! 

and aku stay 1 malam kat hospital, tukar lampin, pakaikan losyen dan tolong nana.

zaman sekarang punya lah canggih pun tak guna. nana meraung juga sakitnya.

kenapalah ada anak yang tak reti nak sayang mak mereka?

kesian, tapi aku tak;eh wat apa selain dok kat tepi kaver macho..

baby tu comel and berat.

last2 balik rumah, semua orang dah sihat, kan.

sampai rumah, aku collapse. tak sempat nak kemas apa apa.

2 malam aku tak tidur. semua sebab raya and anak saudara.

lengkap berbaju melayu dan bersampin dan songkok bersongket, dua2 datang terkedek kedek.

nak! katanya, tunjuk kat semprit dalam tangan aku.

SELAMAT HARI RAYA, MAAF ZAHIR BATIN.

p/s:rupanya, ramai jugak orang beraya kat hospital.

doa, senjata mukmin.

mereka ini akan dapat keputusan SPM yang mereka mahukan.
amiinn.

assalamualaikum.

walaupun sebenarnya sekarang separuh juta calon SPM tengah berusaha separuh mati untuk SPm.

tapi aku tetap kat sini. depan laptop, baru lepas huhuahaha dengan darlings,

and tak buka buku educational lagi. apa yang aku patut buat.

aku BELUM buat

some people might give me a weird look and ask me,

"kau tak kesah ke pasal SPM kau?"

well, people, hear this out.

number one

, its none of your bussiness.

number two,

 excuse me, i do care about my SPM its a ticket to the finals, babe!

number three

, i believe in struggling. but in matter of quality or quantity, i prefer QUALITY. ape gune kau stay up lagi banyak drpd aku tapi setiap kali kau stay up kau mesej je lebih. unlike what i preferred, jarang stay up tapi bila aku stay up, its for real. FOCUSED.

number four:

 dont judge for the way i am acting, i am more to the person who doesnt know how to express my feelings. kecuali dengan menulis. kalau aku stress, tak semua orang tahu. sedih , lebih lebih lagi. kadang-kadang orang salah faham, mereka ingat aku tak kesah, tapi malang lah bagi aku. orang tak tahu. but then sometimes bila orang tak tahu, aku senang. so alhamdulillah aku begini.

dalam kes ini, aku nak semua orang tahu bahawasanya, U CANNOT ASK PEOPLE THAT QUESTION.

sakit hati, siapa tak kesah tentang hidup dan mati. itulah SPM. sangat sangat penting. it kills me slowly if i dont get back up. despite result yang sangat teruk barubaru ini, aku masih lagi kabur. aku tak dapat momentum itu which i know is within myself, still. PRAY people. senjata mukmin itu dengan berdoa, betol?

ya Allah, guide us all. we are afraid of your POWER, so we bow to you , pleading you.
inyaAllah You will always be with us.

TEROKKs

result pre trial sudah OUT.

betapa kebodohannya aku nih dah terserlah kali ni.
aku buat main je exam ari tuh.
there is nothing more to say but im sorry to my mum.
i have lostwhat youve given me so recently.
and i feel like dying already.'
so mak, in this despair, once again, I AM SORRY.

fiction to be restrained

the topic is simple, yet the issue is complicated to talk about. and think about.

as a girl, restrain is a huge word.

as so, i looked into his hazel eyes, hoping he would understand, what i felt.

i felt like being obligated to hear him, listen to his problems, his worries about this endless world.

but he didnt understand. he was passionately telling his stories. and my heart screamed out to let him know. but he didnt. he just didnt know. so, i let it passed. tomorrow, same thing went again.

somehow, i wondered for how long could i contain this feelings? i thank god for letting me to have this beautiful feelings. one day, i read a spiritual information for fools like me on the BADAR notice board.

janganlah kamu biarkan kami mencurahkan segala rasa hati kepada kamu, takut-takut, kamu, para muslimah menjadi bahan bayangan kami. dan, sesungguhnya, seorah perempuan yang beriman tidak patut menjadi bayangan mana-mana lelaki.

 i startled. i do like him. only god knew how i felt for him. but i didnt want to be the one for his lust! never! what  made us spendt most of our times were because of him telling his dirty little secrets to me. that felt so wrong  right now. so, i prayed that he would stop. i prayed with tears, if it meant that we had to go on our way if that what god's willing, so we had to go. 
you just had to be a fiction of mine. and i had to restrain myself. keep restraining from any man's desirous deeds. 
and i believe, the time will come soon.. for me to stop-.

lastly, i want you to take notice that,

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

saya BENCI nombor!!!!!!!
for some reasons i just hate add maths!
yes! i hate you! so what???
tanya lain, cara jawab lain!!!!
macam mana aku nak skor?
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
stresss gilerrrr!
aku nak jerit cam budak nih!

PUAS GILAK!
aku nak pegi kat jabatan matematik sedunia and cekik semua pembuat add maths or
whatfreaking ever!!!
F^^^^^^


*fish!

bijak and humorous!

sebenarnya, dah lama sangat jumpa si luthfi nih.

and beberapa vloggerlain. but then, i like this vlog the most!

 most?

yang ini, pandai. pendekatan yang sangat bagus for all malaysians

and i salute you, luthluth! haha

sudahla ada rupa, pandai guna.. hee.

pandaipun, rajin wat vlog yang berguna pun. dan banyaklagi.

LIKE!

kawan, thanks a million.

18 jun 2011.

ada banyak huruf, kaler koko.

tahun ini aku ada seorang kawan yang sangat, entah.

tiada perkataan yang aku boleh guna untuk describe kawan aku yang seorang ni.

yang aku tahu kami okay. 

kakak pernah tengok gambar dia. tahu kakak kata apa?

BESARNYA kawan adik.

haha, feel like laughing that time, i did anyway.

kawan ini tak baik and as far as i know, taklah jahat pun.

dia pemalu, katanya ikut sunnah rasulullah s.a.w. but for me, malunya, tak bertempat.

nak mengorat pun malu, nak bercakap pun malu. 

apa kaitan muffler dengan kawan ni?

dia, happen to be the first to give me a muffler, YAY!.<applause>

to me, dia layak untuk berada dalam SCAR CANTIC, for once.

muffler ni sempena birthday sebenarnya. BUT, punyalah lambat dia bagi.. 

alasan? MALU.

tapi kira bagus lah at least dia bagi, kan?

muffler datang dari Tanah Besar China.. wow.

bukan apa, aku ni jenis yang tak berapa pandai nak tunjuk yang aku sangat sangat hargai.

sangat sangat tau. rasa cam tak habis nyawa nak cakap TRIMAS kat dia.

so, TERIMA KASIH ONCE AGAIN.

aku tak tahu camana nak repay engkau, birthday kau belum tentu kita jumpa kan?

so, let me just help you in your ENGLISH eh?

mesti kau malu kan kalau baca nih?

lantak... 

and i take this muffler as your prayer for me to go overseas.. further study, kan?

and i pray you to be a pilot too. or whatever you wish to be. 

but first, kite kena struggle utk SPM okeh?

kirim salam sama mak kamu.

p/s: kat malaysia belum tentu aku buleh pakai muffler ni, but once aku pegi negara sejuk2, for sure aku pakai . and jangan nak buat awkward pulak lepas baca mende alah nih. 

breathe; untuk sekejap saja lagi.

aku merenung jauh ke dalam mata mak. masa ni, kami ada di cashier kat 1st floor of SOGO. jam Esprit tersarung kemas di tangan ku, aku kilaskan. 

thank you mak! I LOVE YOU! mmmuahhh. aku cium pipi mak.

ini sempena janji dia, untuk birthday aku. and memang jam aku semua dah keparat. eh, tak, aku memang dah lama tak pakai jam sebab aku dah hilangkan jam jam yang diberi kepada aku. tak hapalah. yang ini spesel. aku jaga elok2 eh. JANJI. pakka vadha!

jam baru aku. okay kan? boleh tukar kaler yang line tu.

mak letih, aku pun, nana pun. aku dukung pulak harith iskandar yang berat itu. jalan dan jalan dalam SOGO yang sesak. kepala hotak aku tak pernah berhenti fikir pasal SPM. sesaat pun, waktu sekarang ni. DUSHh! aku langgar zhafran yang berlari lari macam boleh lari je budak tu. entah, aku tak tenteram langsung. cepatlah SPM! beredar dari aku. aku serabut dengan kau. BEBAN tahu tak! aku kebalkan hati. sabar lah, nanti dah balik, tak boleh main dengan hero2 malaya ni lagi. takpelah. aku punyalah berlari lari dengan zack and iskandar. sampai aku rasa nak pengsan  sekejap. lupa pulak. semalam tak tido. pagi dah keluar KL. patotlah. 
beg spatah harem aku tak jenguk. baju skola ke hape semua aku tak hirau! BIARLAH! aku nak guna masa aku untuk benda lainlah!


aku akan mati balik ni, dengan HOMEWORK TAK SIAP.
TAK ULANGKAJI
TAK PREPARE!
EXAM"S RESULT.
ini semua pembunuh aku, kalau aku dijumpai, mati. polis tangkap mereka ni, sumbat dalam lokap. kunci kemas kemas. aku dah tak larat! letih sangat dah. cukuplah. *winkwink


jam baru! SEMANGAT menghimpun dalam badan aku, sabar iya? tak lama dah, KAU YANG AKAN BUNUH SPM! hahahahaahahahhahaha. 9A+ aminnn!

A TEMPT

this is my tempt on a tragic story, i created, i dont know already how to continue. too many in minds.

anyone to do it for me? please. most welcomed.

I held Mom’s old hands tight as if I wanted the blood rushing through her capillaries to stop flowing. Adrenaline rushed in my veins. My heartbeat was unbelievably fast. I gasped for oxygen to breathe.

‘’Mom…. Th..they…will hurt me…lik..like yesterday..’’ I spoke of terrifying my Mom’s temper attitude.

I was ignored.  Mom walked faster. She hurried us to Uncle Keith’s house. We could hear his hoarse voice calling for my Mom. I was dragged all the way on the slippery pathway 3 blocks away from our house. That was the second time Mom had ever brought me here. Yesterday, I went home 5 am in the morning. After being in a dark room in Uncle Keith’s house with a guy called Claude. We played chase and catch and hide and seek. But Claude played roughly until I got blood stained on my white lacey skirt. I was in a great pain last night. My six year old heart could not describe the pain on my bruised body. When I asked Mom, how to lessen my sickness, she just hummed and left me to sleep. I was not asked to bath and shower my sticky body. I was extremely uncomfortable. Not to wake Mom up, i tiptoed to the freezing bathroom floor and washed myself silently. Yes, it hurts me even more after I showered but after a while I felt fresher of myself. Fresher with the pain.

                We reached Uncle Keith’s house not long after hearing the voice. He was standing in front of the gate while his eyes were glaring like a hungry tiger towards my Mom. Signing how late we were. Mom pull my gripped fingers from her hand. Uncle Keith threw Mom a stash of cash. Then, she pushed me towards Claude who just came out of the house. Claude took me in his muscular arms and carried me away.

‘’No! Mom! Mom! He played hard, Mom! Mommy!’’

                ‘’MOM!’’ I screamed. Waking up my sleeping husband, Harry beside me.  He hugged me and whispered, ‘’shh, im here. You’re fine..shh.’’ my gasping breath turned to a sigh. i looked up in the ceiling and thank lord that it was only a nightmare of mine. A nightmare that had struck my sleep for the third time this week.

                 Harry was the only one who knew about my dark past, that I was sold to Claude after he had satisfied with the first trial. I escaped from Claude’s hell when I was 10. And came to live with  Martha, Harry’s grandmother whom I found on the roadside, looking for a fallen coin. I was all in dirt when we met. She took care of me until I was married to Harry last three years.    He was my heart and my soul.

                One fine day, I was attending a therapy session with Dr Dempsey. I received a phone call from Harry. He could not attend today’s session. So, I went on and on with dearest dr Dempsey. He was an extremely charming person and unmarried. I could have fallen for him if I was still available. I sat on a single seated leather couch comfortably. He sat in front of me. We had the usual conversation. This man taught me how to be a person that was free from the nightmare of the past. I was improving day by day. At the end of the session, dr Dempsey held my hand and give me some wisdom words. And he said, ‘’trust no one in life, rosie. Until you trust yourself.’’  I held that words.

                Harry came back late that night. Drunk. My temper rose. But  not too extremely that I couldnt control. I love Harry so much.  I led him to shower and bed without asking questions.              My mind was crowded with intensity of query. I wanted to know this so badly. Had Harry gone to his bad habit again? An alcoholic? No! I stopped myself from thinking negatively. But, today had became a routine for Harry and sadly, for me. He left me after 2 months of my pregnancy. He was unfound.

                Months passed, one morning, someone knocked my door as the sun rose, I opened the door and found an old lady carrying a basket of cookie jar. Freshly baked ones. The scent of it was so familiar. And lovingly missed. I looked up to her eyes to see who was standing in front of me. My body shook. I was trembling between my own feet. A pool of tear clouded my eyesight. I recognized this woman.

‘’Mom..”  I uttered.

“Rose. May I come in?” she said calmly. As if nothing happened.

“ No….” I was not looking into her maple eyes.

                I closed the door. Leaned against the door. Closed my eyes tight. Trying to recall what had happened. I met my long lost mother. The one I missed, but I feared. I fear that she would harm me again. But, I would like to hug her. Kiss her wrinkled cheeks and let her touch my expanding tummy. Her first grandson whose growing inside me. Tell her how much I missed her. But I was too afraid. And I needed Harry now.