Honestly for you

I act the way i do because i am still holding strong to the fact that i know who i am. It may seemed like i hurt myself unnecessarily, just to satisfy what you can never satisfy - the heart of a human being. But no, its not for me to show how kind i am. But to show people how kind God is to let you not see my rage, and all the bad effects of it. He loves the patient souls, dear. So i want Him to love me. And He gave me kindness so i lend it to those who need kindness.

I care a lot. Thats a problem I tried to solve for so long but it is to no avail. No matter how deep i am hurt, how low i am drowned. I come back up and do things like it never happened. It is the way i fight in life. I know it eats me up inside. I know it can be destructible for myself. But do you know how strong i am? Do you know how resistant i have become? And those resistance i build every day with the people who needed the kindness i am given becomes my reward in the after life. Because it is in my intentions that i do kindness for Him.

This is the depth in my heart that no one can possibly accept. I do not hurt myself. Nor i let them walk on me. I am just giving them the spaces they need to forgive themselves for what they have done. I am fine or i will be. It doesnt matter because time always heal my dear. I have no reflections. I dont want anyone to bear the things i bore. Its unpleasant. But it is who i am.

For you are right. But its easier this way. When i dont have to explain myself, i win. When i look them in the eyes and they cant look back, i win again. I dont need spectators glory. I just prove them how disadvantaged they can be when they do people wrong. I show them examples. I let them feel with hope that they will not do it again.

And of course, i am fine.
Even finer that i have you to be unfair to. To wipe the tears they cause me.
To pat on my back and say, i told you not to do this to yourself again and again.
And to love me completely.

Inside of me, i am enough. They who cause me to cry are my accessories. I needed them to cry. If not, i have no life.

I know you hate this. Your heart is with me and you feel hurt when i do so you dont want this. You hate me doing this to myself. You hate to have to be angry with me.

Its okay to hate.
Its okay to get mad.
You have all the right to.
Because my heart too, is with you.

Its up to me.

I have had too many types of friends in my life. By too many i mean, they have been causing me all types of headaches, heartbreaks and sneezing all the time.

To begin with, I realized the importance of having friends and getting connected with other person besides your family when i was in high school. And i was always told that i put others before myself too many times. But for me, i have been selfish enough to let them befriend with me who has all the flaws a humanbeing can have.

But, all headaches and sneezing heal in time. Heartbreaks? They too heal but in a longer time.

I think i have no problem when some of my good friends stab on my back or decided that they no longer want me in their life. They can just leave its their right anyways. But there are times when i think i was the one who pushes them away. Not because i think i dont need them, its because i have the feeling that they want that but its too cruel to do it upfront. So i take my role not to make them feel so. That was not that hard. It was instead relieving (after a few days of thinking why the hell and oh i havent really miss a thing and yeah had to be emotional for 20 hours).

The worst of the worse, i have to eliminate them. Like deleting some useless files on my documents. I know myself as a very protective person of my heart. I hate to have to cry. To have to think that a few things might hurt me today. But thats life, had its toll and as a girl no matter how boyish you think you are- the tears gotta go out once in month at least so annoying.

Why eliminate people?
Because we were close. I thought we are. And i thought we know each other all too well to let ourselves down that if other people think we are sucking out life, we know we dont. That if every one else seemed to speak out loud about how low we are, we wont be thinking the same. Because we know each other well.
Turned out, i am the only one who thinks like that. Turned out close people becomes people. So instead of getting hurt and had to cry (ugh), i choose to let go. I dont want to stay even if its meant to stay. All those sincerity, honesty, and whatever else that i gave i think it stopped there.

I am tired, man. Seriously, why do everyone think i can take anything that they throw to me? What the hell. I am just trying to live. I am just trying to let myself be open enough to love myself. And yet you have to do that. Gila lah. Bukan sehari dua kenal bro. Sakit jugaklah jiwa ni. Even another outsider could think of me better. Kau dah kenapa pulak kan. Mungkinlah aku tak baik mana, tapi sampai macam tu kan kau kena pikir. Perempuan jenis apa lah aku ni kan. Now its up to you to think of anything because i wont get hurt anymore because you are no more a people of mine. Kalau jumpa kenal tegur setakat tu je lah. Lebih menyenangkan kau kan.

Manusia. Memang semua orang pun berubah. Aku sendiri mungkin setiap masa berubah dan aku tak tahu kalau ada sesiapa yang aku sakitkan. Tapi bila aku sakit, aku tahu. Memaafkan tu mudah. Alhamdulillah Tuhan tu jadikan hati ni mudah sentap. Semua ni peringatan dari Dia.

Tapi, bila aku kenal siapa aku. Kau takde tempat untuk rendah2 kan aku. Hurt me. Anyone can do that. But to think low of me, i just cant allow that from a person i was close to. 

I am truly grateful. Truly. That Allah show me the way to not to get hurt through this someone. He speaks the things i couldnt brain myself all the time and he meant well. And he was there when i was down. And he is my partner in crime when i needed to do some crime because hei sakitnya hati rasa nak tumbuk muka orang. You just love me completely. And all the time i keep you near me. (Selfish again!)

So i guess its true when they say;
When you know what makes you happy, you wont tolerate on things less than that.

Its up to me to be happy or sad. With friends or without friends. I just have to be me like i always do and life will always be life.

Loyal Lullaby

It is not long after you lose something to know that you have lost something. But it is long after you lose something to know that you have something.

The sound of the rain becomes a loyal lullaby to the nights when you think about how life is treating you. How you are treating yourself. Unless the clouds refuse to rain, your own whinings becomes the lullaby and there you go, another sleepless night and tireful morning. Dreadful as it is, it is truly your only choice.
So the clouds refuse to rain for so many nights so what do you do?
You could seek the moonlight for some peace. But it will not be the same because you needed the sound of the rain to sleep. It is anyways your loyal lullaby.

Although some rain might come with thunder and strong destructive wind, it is your loyal lullaby. Or may it come so little rain and almost soundless, it is your loyal lullaby. It is the only good enough lullaby for you to sleep.

And you needed to sleep.

You are the only living soul I could allow my heart to reach for. To hope and to hold on to. As i need the sound of the rain to sleep, as i need the sight of you to get through my days and nights be it is only in my thoughts and not yours. Be it you think you're lacking something that i deserve, i know you are my good enough person. The only good enough.

And i need you to know that.