Sampai umur 22 tahun orang kata perempuan ni dia tak pikir pasal benda lain. Dia nak pikir pasal kawen je.
I do believe in myself. I believe i am different. I believe everything that we are, are different.
I should just believe in you. Patience is key. Allah loves the patient dont He?
So He must love me to make me find you.
I just want Him to love me, bib. Would He?
Entah apa lah yang manusia hendakkan dalam dunia ni.
Entah bila cakap jangan dia sebenarnya menghendak.
Entah bila cakap percaya sebenarnya dia tidak.
Doa sahaja yang menjadi pengikat.
Harapkan dia. Mungkin tak perlu.
Berharap pada Tuhan.
Kalau sudah tertulis, maka tak kemana.
Dan bila kau melihat wajahnya hatimu menjadi tenang.
I hope thats when i look at you.
The breeze, the slow motion, the filters my eyes have when i see you. I hope thats calamity.
And so do you as you say.
I hope its forever. For how ever long that ever will be. It will be longer than that.
For me. I know how the world circles. It is always costly and unfair. But i believe, Rabb is just.
So i pray.
Bukan mudah percaya
Bukan mudah nak suka.
Dan sebab itu aku taktau apa nak rasa.
Sakit ke.
Sedih ke.
Risau ke.
Takut ke.
Kadang2 rasa2 tu bersatu.
Padahal aku tak risau. Aku tak takut.
Bukanlah maksud aku untuk menangis.
Itulah benda yang paling aku benci.
Paling aku resent. Seumur hidup.
Tapi air mata perempuan itu memanglah murah harga dia.
Kalau tak beli pun dapat free.
Dan aku perempuan.
Mana aku nak lari. Seribu kali cakap tak pun sebenarnya ya.
Habis separuh nafas aku pun cakap tak. Aku ni perempuan.
Janji yang aku pegang takkan aku lepas. Aku tahu aku tak perlu pegang erat dia tetap akan tertunai. Sebab kau. Bukan orang lain.
Tak pernah macam ni. Aku ingat rindu tu manis. Manis2 pun pedih mata. Lol.
Hati ni baru nak belajar merasa. Baru nak kenal rasa2 halusnya seorang perempuan. Alangkah lamanya aku meninggalkan mata aku kering dulu sampai pernah aku lupa rasa menangis. Sekarang? Tak tertahan. Dari mana lah datang air banyak2 pun tak tahulah.
Aku risau, aku tahu. Banyak sangat kekurangan aku yang entah kalau dibanding dengan perempuan lain mahupun kau, serendah dunia ni lah tempat aku.
Bila ingatkan Tuhan tu Maha Adil, lagi aku risau. Lagi aku takut. Tapi, Tuhan baik, takkan lah kita dipertemukan atas alasan untuk menyakitkan hati? Takkanlah. Sebab dah terlampau sayang ni. Takkan lah Tuhan nak main2 kan doa kita? Nauzubillah. Ar rahman Ar rahim mendengar, kan habibi?
There will be no one else to love me like you. To touch my family's heart like you. To take care of me like you. Who has the will to guide me like you.
And i love you too much too worry too much that i am a burden. That i am not qualified to ask for attention. And no one is guilty for that.
Hati tengah belajar sabar. Tengah belajar nak beremosi. Layankan lah.
Sabar lah. Sampai waktu untuk kita, maka untuk kita lah.
Memang kita berencana yang lebih mudah. Bercinta selepas nikah. Dan sebagainya. Tapi siapa mampu lari percaturan Dia?
I love you.
And i have nothing else to say.
Bukan mudah percaya
Bukan mudah nak suka.
Dan sebab itu aku taktau apa nak rasa.
Sakit ke.
Sedih ke.
Risau ke.
Takut ke.
Kadang2 rasa2 tu bersatu.
Padahal aku tak risau. Aku tak takut.
Bukanlah maksud aku untuk menangis.
Itulah benda yang paling aku benci.
Paling aku resent. Seumur hidup.
Tapi air mata perempuan itu memanglah murah harga dia.
Kalau tak beli pun dapat free.
Dan aku perempuan.
Mana aku nak lari. Seribu kali cakap tak pun sebenarnya ya.
Habis separuh nafas aku pun cakap tak. Aku ni perempuan.
Janji yang aku pegang takkan aku lepas. Aku tahu aku tak perlu pagang erat dia tetap akan tertunai. Sebab kau. Bukan orang lain.
Tak pernah macam ni. Aku ingat rindu tu manis. Manis2 pun pedih mata. Lol.
Hati ni baru nak belajar merasa. Baru nak kenal rasa2 halusnya seorang perempuan. Alangkah lamanya aku meninggalkan mata aku kering dulu sampai pernah aku lupa rasa menangis. Sekarang? Tak tertahan. Dari mana lah datang air banyak2 pun tak tahulah.
Aku risau, aku tahu. Banyak sangat kekurangan aku yang entah kalau dibanding dengan perempuan mahupun kau, serendah dunia ni lah tempat aku.
Bila ingatkan Tuhan tu Maha Adil, lagi aku risau. Lagi aku takut. Tapi, Tuhan baik, takkan lah kita dipertemukan atas alasan untuk menyakitkan hati? Takkanlah. Sebab dah terlampau sayang ni. Takkan lah Tuhan nak main2 kan doa kita? Nauzubillah. Ar rahman Ar rahim mendengar, kan habibi?
There will be no one else to love me like you. To touch my family's heart like you. To take care of me like you. Who has the will to guide me like you.
And i love you too much too worry too much that i am a burden. That i am not qualified to ask for attention. And no one is guilty for that.
Hati tengah belajar sabar. Tengah belajar nak beremosi. Layankan lah.
Sabar lah. Sampai waktu untuk kita, maka untuk kita lah.
Memang kita berencana yang lebih mudah. Bercinta selepas nikah. Dan sebagainya. Tapi siapa mampu lari percaturan Dia?
I love you.
And i have nothing else to say.
Assalamulaikum habibi :)
Lets protect our hearts
from loving too much of whats not ours yet (our hearts)
from forgetting to feed our souls with the recitals of the Quran
from being careless of our task to share our gifts with others
Lets protect our love
from being watched by the eyes of those who envies but only to those who loves us too :)
from remembering each other more than remembering Him
from the harams
from the fitnahs
from anything that ends.
from anything we hate.
from anything He hate.
Because love is sacrifice. Its not easy i know. But if its ours, then it will be ours. Have patience. Remind me too. And let Him protect us and have mercy. Never stop praying about us. I will never stop because unexpectedly, unbelievably and unacceptably, i have deeply fallen in love with you as unplanned (have mercy!). And i want to have a blessed marriage with you soon. Spend the rest of my life with you obeying Allah with you guiding me. So yeah. Lets be under The protection.
Theres always a cost to secrecy.
Theres always a life beneath hatred.
Theres always chickens underneath me.
And those chicken wanna come out and play.
Everything that happened has a cost.
May it vary from zero to one or none to millions.
May it be your confidence or yourself.
Where there is gain there must be lost.
Careful now chickens might make them hate.
For that is one you too kinda hate.
You know what you have.
And you have what you want.
So be it chickens or lions or dragons.
You are what you are now.
Dont care and listen to what people say.
You have their trust and it wasnt for you to betray.
And i wasnt betraying.
But it was expectations chicken dont plan on fulfilling.
It is not easy to do that. But it is fun.
For when i know what makes me happy, i now know, i will not settle for less.
Some of the things we find unfit. Fo some of the things we find ridiculously annoying to ourselves. Feeling like how too much we can be to each other. Too much or too less and yet still care for each other. Still having not enough with all the too much. And having to be feeling adequate with whats less. And accepting who we are. But we are who we are. I know what i have for you. And what you have for me. And no doubts are spelled on it. But i am worried of me. The one who easily pushes away. Even when.
I dont want to.
I act the way i do because i am still holding strong to the fact that i know who i am. It may seemed like i hurt myself unnecessarily, just to satisfy what you can never satisfy - the heart of a human being. But no, its not for me to show how kind i am. But to show people how kind God is to let you not see my rage, and all the bad effects of it. He loves the patient souls, dear. So i want Him to love me. And He gave me kindness so i lend it to those who need kindness.
I care a lot. Thats a problem I tried to solve for so long but it is to no avail. No matter how deep i am hurt, how low i am drowned. I come back up and do things like it never happened. It is the way i fight in life. I know it eats me up inside. I know it can be destructible for myself. But do you know how strong i am? Do you know how resistant i have become? And those resistance i build every day with the people who needed the kindness i am given becomes my reward in the after life. Because it is in my intentions that i do kindness for Him.
This is the depth in my heart that no one can possibly accept. I do not hurt myself. Nor i let them walk on me. I am just giving them the spaces they need to forgive themselves for what they have done. I am fine or i will be. It doesnt matter because time always heal my dear. I have no reflections. I dont want anyone to bear the things i bore. Its unpleasant. But it is who i am.
For you are right. But its easier this way. When i dont have to explain myself, i win. When i look them in the eyes and they cant look back, i win again. I dont need spectators glory. I just prove them how disadvantaged they can be when they do people wrong. I show them examples. I let them feel with hope that they will not do it again.
And of course, i am fine.
Even finer that i have you to be unfair to. To wipe the tears they cause me.
To pat on my back and say, i told you not to do this to yourself again and again.
And to love me completely.
Inside of me, i am enough. They who cause me to cry are my accessories. I needed them to cry. If not, i have no life.
I know you hate this. Your heart is with me and you feel hurt when i do so you dont want this. You hate me doing this to myself. You hate to have to be angry with me.
Its okay to hate.
Its okay to get mad.
You have all the right to.
Because my heart too, is with you.
I have had too many types of friends in my life. By too many i mean, they have been causing me all types of headaches, heartbreaks and sneezing all the time.
To begin with, I realized the importance of having friends and getting connected with other person besides your family when i was in high school. And i was always told that i put others before myself too many times. But for me, i have been selfish enough to let them befriend with me who has all the flaws a humanbeing can have.
But, all headaches and sneezing heal in time. Heartbreaks? They too heal but in a longer time.
I think i have no problem when some of my good friends stab on my back or decided that they no longer want me in their life. They can just leave its their right anyways. But there are times when i think i was the one who pushes them away. Not because i think i dont need them, its because i have the feeling that they want that but its too cruel to do it upfront. So i take my role not to make them feel so. That was not that hard. It was instead relieving (after a few days of thinking why the hell and oh i havent really miss a thing and yeah had to be emotional for 20 hours).
The worst of the worse, i have to eliminate them. Like deleting some useless files on my documents. I know myself as a very protective person of my heart. I hate to have to cry. To have to think that a few things might hurt me today. But thats life, had its toll and as a girl no matter how boyish you think you are- the tears gotta go out once in month at least so annoying.
Why eliminate people?
Because we were close. I thought we are. And i thought we know each other all too well to let ourselves down that if other people think we are sucking out life, we know we dont. That if every one else seemed to speak out loud about how low we are, we wont be thinking the same. Because we know each other well.
Turned out, i am the only one who thinks like that. Turned out close people becomes people. So instead of getting hurt and had to cry (ugh), i choose to let go. I dont want to stay even if its meant to stay. All those sincerity, honesty, and whatever else that i gave i think it stopped there.
I am tired, man. Seriously, why do everyone think i can take anything that they throw to me? What the hell. I am just trying to live. I am just trying to let myself be open enough to love myself. And yet you have to do that. Gila lah. Bukan sehari dua kenal bro. Sakit jugaklah jiwa ni. Even another outsider could think of me better. Kau dah kenapa pulak kan. Mungkinlah aku tak baik mana, tapi sampai macam tu kan kau kena pikir. Perempuan jenis apa lah aku ni kan. Now its up to you to think of anything because i wont get hurt anymore because you are no more a people of mine. Kalau jumpa kenal tegur setakat tu je lah. Lebih menyenangkan kau kan.
Manusia. Memang semua orang pun berubah. Aku sendiri mungkin setiap masa berubah dan aku tak tahu kalau ada sesiapa yang aku sakitkan. Tapi bila aku sakit, aku tahu. Memaafkan tu mudah. Alhamdulillah Tuhan tu jadikan hati ni mudah sentap. Semua ni peringatan dari Dia.
Tapi, bila aku kenal siapa aku. Kau takde tempat untuk rendah2 kan aku. Hurt me. Anyone can do that. But to think low of me, i just cant allow that from a person i was close to.
I am truly grateful. Truly. That Allah show me the way to not to get hurt through this someone. He speaks the things i couldnt brain myself all the time and he meant well. And he was there when i was down. And he is my partner in crime when i needed to do some crime because hei sakitnya hati rasa nak tumbuk muka orang. You just love me completely. And all the time i keep you near me. (Selfish again!)
So i guess its true when they say;
When you know what makes you happy, you wont tolerate on things less than that.
Its up to me to be happy or sad. With friends or without friends. I just have to be me like i always do and life will always be life.
It is not long after you lose something to know that you have lost something. But it is long after you lose something to know that you have something.
The sound of the rain becomes a loyal lullaby to the nights when you think about how life is treating you. How you are treating yourself. Unless the clouds refuse to rain, your own whinings becomes the lullaby and there you go, another sleepless night and tireful morning. Dreadful as it is, it is truly your only choice.
So the clouds refuse to rain for so many nights so what do you do?
You could seek the moonlight for some peace. But it will not be the same because you needed the sound of the rain to sleep. It is anyways your loyal lullaby.
Although some rain might come with thunder and strong destructive wind, it is your loyal lullaby. Or may it come so little rain and almost soundless, it is your loyal lullaby. It is the only good enough lullaby for you to sleep.
And you needed to sleep.
You are the only living soul I could allow my heart to reach for. To hope and to hold on to. As i need the sound of the rain to sleep, as i need the sight of you to get through my days and nights be it is only in my thoughts and not yours. Be it you think you're lacking something that i deserve, i know you are my good enough person. The only good enough.
And i need you to know that.
Every second you breathe you spend on missing the person next to you. Not knowing if it is a loss or a blessing but you enjoy missing that person. Not knowing if you missed a beat of your heart.
Let the sun rays dance in between the thin curtain
Let it dance and gesture my dull skin so it glows
What use is running when I know there's one so certain
But rose petals must fall with the wind that sometimes blows.
I dont have much to give and I do care for gold
Dont have direction yet I have somewhere to go
Waiting for a soul to offer me togetherness in growing old
Spare me a rising sun when it is time to go.
Set my midnights sorrow free
I will give you all of me
Pick up badly of everything
I can see what you can bring
Cant keep this beating heart out to ache
It is meant for you to take.
One day I will join you and your baby.
You joined in the best of your time Alhamdulillah.
And you still have Mak's prayers with you, lucky chap.
I wish to go with Mak's prayers.
Hopefully I'll join you in my best shape.
So long Abe Wa Sayang.
"I know people make promises all the time
Then they turn right around and break them
When someone cuts your heart open with a knife, now you're bleeding
But I could be that guy to heal it over time
And I won't stop until you believe it
'Cause you're worth it"
I have every right to be doubtful, thoughtful and protective over myself. I might not use the rights fully since him. But I take that risk, put myself standing on a bridge for the first time. Have faith in everything I see is worthy of him.
I believe that this is not a bad thing so let me keep it with me.
He is now standing before The Almighty on the closest land a slave can be standing. I pray that He will give him of what he asks and the better for He is the All Knowing.
And it is before Him that I am always in fear.
The fear of how He has all the power in the world to change things. To put something in your heart and to take it away.
Dont take this away.
Not A Bad Thing
I have been building walls around me for as long as I lived, ever since I knew that even the deepest love can betray you. By betray I mean mistakes made by human being. There was a time when I forgot that we are made to learn from mistakes everyone makes. I forgot that we can be wrong. Can be hurtful to others especially to the ones we love. Can be. To avoid those possibilities, I built walls I believed would protect me because Allah knows what I have been through. Its not a cruel world. My world is not cruel and mean and faithless nauzubillah. It is just filled with a lot of lessons the hard way or another, you have to learn from it.
Love. So what is it really means?
Love is when you know it is love.
Love, is when I shower my her with pricey, limited edition scrub bath cream instead of a regular one for one hour and entertain her with stories she would love to hear. Love, is when I massage her tired back caused by excessive long hours of just sitting down and laying down. Love, is when I listen to her babbling about the house and shut her up with a kiss on her old wrinkled cheeks. Love, is when I can massage her feet with olive oil until she fell asleep snoringly. Love, is when I look at her and I receive rewards, calamity and strenght. Love, is when I had to wake up bedore every dawn to help her with her needs with annoying sounds of complaining but be forgiven the second she gets what she need. Love, is when i dont have my walls surrounding me when i can say anything and not be afraid.
I miss this old lady and I dont even realize it. She cant be not around. She cant go anywhere else without me letting her to. She must stay in whatever condition she is.
Because this is whom I have said I love you to although I am biologically set to love her.
Love, is when you dont even realize that you miss him that every second of thinking is about him. Eh, wrong topic.
I love my Mak.
You see the your own way and none of the others on earth would see it the way you do. No one would understand and yet you moved forward with your seeing. You are unstoppable at thinking what is striking you out. You dont know if you are this low, or do you still have your pride. You're just striked out.
Striking out is one thing. What comes with it is another. You have explored your potentials into something new. But still, are you this low? Or everything can be done in the name of love? Oh yes, if love can be the only solution for the hardest riddle in the world, there'll be no war. So you guess no one knows what love can do to you.
You dont feel losing out to the decision you've made. The decision to fulfill your curiousity so you are not low. At least you feel like it. Oh yeah and words my dear. They matter. Whatever you say matters. We get used to each other telling stories of what we will be (Ameen!). But certain words, they mean to change a heart, gives or crushes hope or even by words, you can kill. So you'll be careful with your words.
You are not low. You do not lose your pride nor your belief. You do things. Make things certain. Make things scatter. Try out a few moves you thought can never be made by you. Realize how crazy you are and move forward.
We make deals. Just to make sure we'll be okay. But you are chosen to have my faith, so we'll always be okay. Take care of my faith.
By using 'you', I mean I.
Ich lieber dich.
You have your rights and wrongs. And those who would cope with one of it. And those who can cope with both. And when you found out who, you'll know who.
Who worth your tears.
Or just some laugh.
How do I do this? Hmm. Let me start with bismillah..
I know a long time ago about love and everything it teaches the human being. How illogical a person can be for that someone they want as their soulmate. And yes, sesungguhnya manusia itu diciptakan berpasang-pasangan. And i have absolutely no power to detest that. But i was wondering how can a person like me which i dont even think i know can be infecting anyone at all with love. I am well-known as a heartless prick who would only find love with a man is rather a waste of money, time and energy. But little that i know...
Be my bestfriend as always and we'll see how it goes from there. Because i have this childish fantasy of mine that i would love to have one bestfriend to keep until the day i die. Because with bestfriends, i dont need make ups, high heels, and pretty rosmah covers. I dont have to cover my ugly laugh, juling eyes and weird expressions I'd just be me whom i love the most in my life haha.
If i would choose you to spend the rest of my life and my akhirah with, its because of one reason. Your faith to Allah Taa'la. So do take care of that and remind me to take care of mine. The devil sure knows ways to make use of feelings and emotions; enough to make Adam and Eve be dispelled from heaven.
I hate uncertainties. I am so afraid of it i might runaway.
But do remember the second time you said love, i said okay.
What actually breaks you?
Usually fear. Fear of losing and let go. Everyone must have felt it. Why do we do that exactly?
Sedangkan kita tahu semuanya tidak kekal? Dan yang kekal itu cuma Tuhanmu. Memang lah lumrah manusia kita berharap pada hati manusia. Tapi kita juga dikurniakan akal fikiran. Dan sebagai muslim, ada cara untuk kita tangani kegusaran hati. Dan Allah janji, setiap dugaan yang datang itu kita mampu tangani. Jadi kenapa bersedih berlebih lebih? Kalau lupa, maafkan diri sendiri tu. Sabar, ingatlah kalau bukan rezeki kita yang tu, ada yang lain. Tapi kalau itu lah kita punya, itulah kita punya.
So, what actually breaks you?
Most would say losing the people they love the most in life. So you have loved. Whose is it that you love? Whose? Is he yours? No. So get over it. Get back on your feet. If you lose them by death, they dont need to be dead to you. Let them be alive in your hearts for hearts are the place to nurture who you are. Choose wisely of who comes in and goes out.
So do you really break?
I dont think so.
Assalamualaikum.
Its been a while that i've written in my blog. Maybe because i am okay with life (Noticed that most of my entries was sad, wrecked and ridiculous) haha. Or maybe i just dont have anything useful to share with everyone.
This is actually a feedback to fresh new blog.
I started blogging because writing is my best way to express my thought, my feelings and whatever else that a homo sapien needs to express. It is basically an expression. Just an expression. I tried not letting you to read it because i have people who hated me because of what i wrote. They cannot accept that i write things because i feel things and think of things so they hate me; instead of hating what i did (blog) and talk it through, they just hate and left. But i dont have anything to regret about that.
So you. Instead of being just a friend, you've been a great one. Who actually think i am kind, understanding, yadda yadda yadda whatever. The best part is that you are a patient friend to me. I have never thought i'd have one like you. Its not easy to keep up with me, we've been busy together and you know better. You are a caretaker. And all there is that is bad or good are good in my eyes because i take you as a gaygaygay friend of mind so dont worry you're good as long as you keep doing what you're doing. But, gay i am overly grateful that i have you in Medan. Heee
Anyways, make your blog counts in people's life. May it be that you have only one follower, who cares! I have about 14 or so but i dont mind, as long as they are the ones who has been there for me all along, be it i never had any comments or views they dont actually matter. What matters is what you write. Of course i had stupid and thoughtless entries, its my blog anyways. Feel free to leave a question or comment on my entries if you ever feel free enough to read it.
By the way, i am an open book. I think i have been opening up to you about almost everything that has happened in my life. So, if you think there's something i am hiding, i dont
People comes and goes so easily in my life. I just hope this one stays for if he goes, it is somewhere i want him to be. Okay? Okay.
