Thursday, June 30, 2011

fiction to be restrained

the topic is simple, yet the issue is complicated to talk about. and think about.
as a girl, restrain is a huge word.



as so, i looked into his hazel eyes, hoping he would understand, what i felt.
i felt like being obligated to hear him, listen to his problems, his worries about this endless world.
but he didnt understand. he was passionately telling his stories. and my heart screamed out to let him know. but he didnt. he just didnt know. so, i let it passed. tomorrow, same thing went again.

somehow, i wondered for how long could i contain this feelings? i thank god for letting me to have this beautiful feelings. one day, i read a spiritual information for fools like me on the BADAR notice board.

janganlah kamu biarkan kami mencurahkan segala rasa hati kepada kamu, takut-takut, kamu, para muslimah menjadi bahan bayangan kami. dan, sesungguhnya, seorah perempuan yang beriman tidak patut menjadi bayangan mana-mana lelaki.
 i startled. i do like him. only god knew how i felt for him. but i didnt want to be the one for his lust! never! what  made us spendt most of our times were because of him telling his dirty little secrets to me. that felt so wrong  right now. so, i prayed that he would stop. i prayed with tears, if it meant that we had to go on our way if that what god's willing, so we had to go. 
you just had to be a fiction of mine. and i had to restrain myself. keep restraining from any man's desirous deeds. 
and i believe, the time will come soon.. for me to stop-.

lastly, i want you to take notice that,

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

saya BENCI nombor!!!!!!!
for some reasons i just hate add maths!
yes! i hate you! so what???
tanya lain, cara jawab lain!!!!
macam mana aku nak skor?
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
stresss gilerrrr!
aku nak jerit cam budak nih!


PUAS GILAK!
aku nak pegi kat jabatan matematik sedunia and cekik semua pembuat add maths or
whatfreaking ever!!!
F^^^^^^


*fish!

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

bijak and humorous!

sebenarnya, dah lama sangat jumpa si luthfi nih.
and beberapa vloggerlain. but then, i like this vlog the most!
 most?
yang ini, pandai. pendekatan yang sangat bagus for all malaysians
and i salute you, luthluth! haha

sudahla ada rupa, pandai guna.. hee.

pandaipun, rajin wat vlog yang berguna pun. dan banyaklagi.
LIKE!

kawan, thanks a million.


18 jun 2011.
ada banyak huruf, kaler koko.

tahun ini aku ada seorang kawan yang sangat, entah.
tiada perkataan yang aku boleh guna untuk describe kawan aku yang seorang ni.
yang aku tahu kami okay. 
kakak pernah tengok gambar dia. tahu kakak kata apa?
BESARNYA kawan adik.
haha, feel like laughing that time, i did anyway.
kawan ini tak baik and as far as i know, taklah jahat pun.
dia pemalu, katanya ikut sunnah rasulullah s.a.w. but for me, malunya, tak bertempat.
nak mengorat pun malu, nak bercakap pun malu. 
apa kaitan muffler dengan kawan ni?
dia, happen to be the first to give me a muffler, YAY!.<applause>
to me, dia layak untuk berada dalam SCAR CANTIC, for once.
muffler ni sempena birthday sebenarnya. BUT, punyalah lambat dia bagi.. 
alasan? MALU.
tapi kira bagus lah at least dia bagi, kan?
muffler datang dari Tanah Besar China.. wow.

bukan apa, aku ni jenis yang tak berapa pandai nak tunjuk yang aku sangat sangat hargai.
sangat sangat tau. rasa cam tak habis nyawa nak cakap TRIMAS kat dia.
so, TERIMA KASIH ONCE AGAIN.
aku tak tahu camana nak repay engkau, birthday kau belum tentu kita jumpa kan?
so, let me just help you in your ENGLISH eh?
mesti kau malu kan kalau baca nih?
lantak... 
and i take this muffler as your prayer for me to go overseas.. further study, kan?
and i pray you to be a pilot too. or whatever you wish to be. 
but first, kite kena struggle utk SPM okeh?
kirim salam sama mak kamu.

p/s: kat malaysia belum tentu aku buleh pakai muffler ni, but once aku pegi negara sejuk2, for sure aku pakai . and jangan nak buat awkward pulak lepas baca mende alah nih. 

Friday, June 10, 2011

breathe; untuk sekejap saja lagi.

aku merenung jauh ke dalam mata mak. masa ni, kami ada di cashier kat 1st floor of SOGO. jam Esprit tersarung kemas di tangan ku, aku kilaskan. 
thank you mak! I LOVE YOU! mmmuahhh. aku cium pipi mak.
ini sempena janji dia, untuk birthday aku. and memang jam aku semua dah keparat. eh, tak, aku memang dah lama tak pakai jam sebab aku dah hilangkan jam jam yang diberi kepada aku. tak hapalah. yang ini spesel. aku jaga elok2 eh. JANJI. pakka vadha!


jam baru aku. okay kan? boleh tukar kaler yang line tu.




mak letih, aku pun, nana pun. aku dukung pulak harith iskandar yang berat itu. jalan dan jalan dalam SOGO yang sesak. kepala hotak aku tak pernah berhenti fikir pasal SPM. sesaat pun, waktu sekarang ni. DUSHh! aku langgar zhafran yang berlari lari macam boleh lari je budak tu. entah, aku tak tenteram langsung. cepatlah SPM! beredar dari aku. aku serabut dengan kau. BEBAN tahu tak! aku kebalkan hati. sabar lah, nanti dah balik, tak boleh main dengan hero2 malaya ni lagi. takpelah. aku punyalah berlari lari dengan zack and iskandar. sampai aku rasa nak pengsan  sekejap. lupa pulak. semalam tak tido. pagi dah keluar KL. patotlah. 
beg spatah harem aku tak jenguk. baju skola ke hape semua aku tak hirau! BIARLAH! aku nak guna masa aku untuk benda lainlah!


aku akan mati balik ni, dengan HOMEWORK TAK SIAP.
TAK ULANGKAJI
TAK PREPARE!
EXAM"S RESULT.
ini semua pembunuh aku, kalau aku dijumpai, mati. polis tangkap mereka ni, sumbat dalam lokap. kunci kemas kemas. aku dah tak larat! letih sangat dah. cukuplah. *winkwink


jam baru! SEMANGAT menghimpun dalam badan aku, sabar iya? tak lama dah, KAU YANG AKAN BUNUH SPM! hahahahaahahahhahaha. 9A+ aminnn!

Thursday, June 9, 2011

A TEMPT

this is my tempt on a tragic story, i created, i dont know already how to continue. too many in minds.
anyone to do it for me? please. most welcomed.

I held Mom’s old hands tight as if I wanted the blood rushing through her capillaries to stop flowing. Adrenaline rushed in my veins. My heartbeat was unbelievably fast. I gasped for oxygen to breathe.
‘’Mom…. Th..they…will hurt me…lik..like yesterday..’’ I spoke of terrifying my Mom’s temper attitude.
I was ignored.  Mom walked faster. She hurried us to Uncle Keith’s house. We could hear his hoarse voice calling for my Mom. I was dragged all the way on the slippery pathway 3 blocks away from our house. That was the second time Mom had ever brought me here. Yesterday, I went home 5 am in the morning. After being in a dark room in Uncle Keith’s house with a guy called Claude. We played chase and catch and hide and seek. But Claude played roughly until I got blood stained on my white lacey skirt. I was in a great pain last night. My six year old heart could not describe the pain on my bruised body. When I asked Mom, how to lessen my sickness, she just hummed and left me to sleep. I was not asked to bath and shower my sticky body. I was extremely uncomfortable. Not to wake Mom up, i tiptoed to the freezing bathroom floor and washed myself silently. Yes, it hurts me even more after I showered but after a while I felt fresher of myself. Fresher with the pain.
                We reached Uncle Keith’s house not long after hearing the voice. He was standing in front of the gate while his eyes were glaring like a hungry tiger towards my Mom. Signing how late we were. Mom pull my gripped fingers from her hand. Uncle Keith threw Mom a stash of cash. Then, she pushed me towards Claude who just came out of the house. Claude took me in his muscular arms and carried me away.
‘’No! Mom! Mom! He played hard, Mom! Mommy!’’
                ‘’MOM!’’ I screamed. Waking up my sleeping husband, Harry beside me.  He hugged me and whispered, ‘’shh, im here. You’re fine..shh.’’ my gasping breath turned to a sigh. i looked up in the ceiling and thank lord that it was only a nightmare of mine. A nightmare that had struck my sleep for the third time this week.
                 Harry was the only one who knew about my dark past, that I was sold to Claude after he had satisfied with the first trial. I escaped from Claude’s hell when I was 10. And came to live with  Martha, Harry’s grandmother whom I found on the roadside, looking for a fallen coin. I was all in dirt when we met. She took care of me until I was married to Harry last three years.    He was my heart and my soul.
                One fine day, I was attending a therapy session with Dr Dempsey. I received a phone call from Harry. He could not attend today’s session. So, I went on and on with dearest dr Dempsey. He was an extremely charming person and unmarried. I could have fallen for him if I was still available. I sat on a single seated leather couch comfortably. He sat in front of me. We had the usual conversation. This man taught me how to be a person that was free from the nightmare of the past. I was improving day by day. At the end of the session, dr Dempsey held my hand and give me some wisdom words. And he said, ‘’trust no one in life, rosie. Until you trust yourself.’’  I held that words.
                Harry came back late that night. Drunk. My temper rose. But  not too extremely that I couldnt control. I love Harry so much.  I led him to shower and bed without asking questions.              My mind was crowded with intensity of query. I wanted to know this so badly. Had Harry gone to his bad habit again? An alcoholic? No! I stopped myself from thinking negatively. But, today had became a routine for Harry and sadly, for me. He left me after 2 months of my pregnancy. He was unfound.
                Months passed, one morning, someone knocked my door as the sun rose, I opened the door and found an old lady carrying a basket of cookie jar. Freshly baked ones. The scent of it was so familiar. And lovingly missed. I looked up to her eyes to see who was standing in front of me. My body shook. I was trembling between my own feet. A pool of tear clouded my eyesight. I recognized this woman.
‘’Mom..”  I uttered.
“Rose. May I come in?” she said calmly. As if nothing happened.
“ No….” I was not looking into her maple eyes.
                I closed the door. Leaned against the door. Closed my eyes tight. Trying to recall what had happened. I met my long lost mother. The one I missed, but I feared. I fear that she would harm me again. But, I would like to hug her. Kiss her wrinkled cheeks and let her touch my expanding tummy. Her first grandson whose growing inside me. Tell her how much I missed her. But I was too afraid. And I needed Harry now.  

wahh, HEBATNYE!

satu malam <pagi butabuta> sampai jam 0707 pagi ni aku online chitchat ngan darling kakak. then, kak keen muncul gak kat facebook. darling jugak yang itu pun. tahan mata. kan?
family, cakap pasal tu lah hari ni. sayang sangat kat family aku yang besar ni. tahun ni kan, SPM.
aku serabut, so aku dah upload banyak sangat lagu hindi + mariah carey. pelik kan? macam tulah yang aku buat. benda benda pelik sebelum aku balik perang esok. tapi kakak aku aku i bunch of songs kat aku. katanya, nice adik, nice taht nice tu,
so, aku pun donload lah. hajat aku ptg ni masuk mp4.
satu lagu ni, best! yang len tak dengar lagi. 
okeh la jugak. hebat kan, the power of music.
this is nice to wrap my holiday. you and i collide.
collide to where, i dont know lah kan.
but this is the proof to faith and love.
i love my kakaks, we had a nice chat, and hillarious. 
we have our responsibility, aite?
our own goals. and guys.. lol.
i love you. all of you, not a piece is left. plus, yang ternoda sekali. ahaks.. bye, kak.
this is for you.
and kak keen too! bilo lah nok jupo plop!
bye world, wish me my best, okay.
pray me my success. amiiiin

ADE KES KE BANG?!

ade lah sikit sedihnya. bang itu singkatan untuk bangang.

nak tahu tak, just now, aku dah pun stop following sites yang memang dari awal aku tak sepatutnya follow. im so sorry, you guys memang kawan2 aku pun. tapi aku rasa cam aku je yang tersorong sorong nak baca blog korang kan? pelik ah. aku tak pernah layan korang pun apsal nak unknownkan aku. apa aku buat hah? tak puas hati cakap ah, im a straight forward person, you can always tell me whats wrong. i will be pleased to hear from you. ini kes tak puas hati aku yang ke-2 tau. my blog should be filled with nice heart feelings. i want it to be that way. but apehal aku nak citer pasal ni?!
memang aku saket hati ah, yes hal kecik je pon and tak semua orang faham pon aku cakap pasal ape, i know. but then, jangan ah wat aku rasa nak campak satu trak lori kat muka kau. alahai aku nak maki gak budak nih.
takpelah. stakat tu je, pannehh...

p/s: bukan aku marah korang tak follow aku, lagi tak follow lagi bagus. tapi nama orang kau sebut, nama aku kau unknownkan? ade kes ke beb? khabo ah ke ambe ape kehh? nok makang kaki ke? beso nih!

bila M nasir bagi listrik.

okeh, first of all, this entry is made in a tribute to my dear darling kakak.
she LOVED weird stuff. aku ngan nana <darling lagi sorang> slalu cakap dia plek pada orang.
<huppsy> ape ape pun, people are unique on their own, aite?
tonite, i decided to fulfill her wish on her obsession with ade sorang mamat jambu ni, jambu lah sangat.

M.Nasir.


mamat nih cukup diminati oleh kakak. sangat sangat, memangalah semangat spiritual yang wujud dalam lelaki ni memang ada dalam jiwang kakak. pernah sekali tu, waktu tu, kakak ni tomboy sikit. jalan pon macam orang baru lepas sunat je, <ala2 kangkang gitu> tapi skarang dah okey, dah ayu phewwwitt lagi>. sambung... kakak buat rambut sejibik cam MNASir the great. 
dahsyat kan, pengaruh mnasir, ni. kalau semua orang fanatik dengan orang2 macam ni, 
kakak tak, dia ikot style sifu dia. hebat kan?
there has been a lot of fun to make an entry about her relationship with mnasir. even his boyfriend cannot be compared to the almighty Mnasir, aite?


anyway and anyhow, world just cannot change some things.
like me too. world cannot change me for being the untidy kind of girl, kan? memang sepah. tapi angin kemas datang kemas lah aku. letihnya. sini dulu.


scarred;

water for elephants. and mengarut!

This story is unbelievable. Astonishingly unique and magical and I could not resist but to rewrite it. I hope that the original writer will not mind. Right now, I am listening to Dido’s beautiful jazzy voice of white flag. This song teaches me about why we should not give up in life. It’s a miracle for people who never gives up in life. As humans, we have our limits, right. I believe that God give difficulties in life for us to embrace and learn and they are not off our boundaries but, sometimes  we  are tested to check the position of our stand. Whether we are supposed to stop and give up or to move on. However we make the choice. It has always been us to do the backwards or forwards. I write this because of my LOVE towards writing.i made the choice to write, and not give up on my obsession to always write.  Some people who doesn’t like what I write or will write, that’s okay because, there are some people who like the way im putting words in lines. Like the old saying says, one people’s meat is another man’s poison. In WATER FOR ELEPHANTS, the young man played by Robert Pattinson,  was a genius in vets (animal doctorate or something),  the story goes,
One fine day, he was sitting on a final exam that determined whether he could graduate the college or not. While he was sitting the paper calmly and euphorically to get it done, an old man, his chauffeur came in the class, bringing the bad news to the inspector. He turned his back when his name was called up. He walked slowly towards the door; where the old man stand, waiting for him. He looked sharply into the hazel eyes of the old chauffeur, with uncertainty.

“ There had been an accident, young master.” Reported the old man. Jacob looked; not blinking even once.
“ We’ve lost Mr. and Mrs. McCowski. I am deeply sorry, Sir. I am.” Uttered the old man once again.
Jacob walked out of the door. He kept walking to nowhere he had known. No where he was assured of.  There he goes, had not said any words towards no one. Not even to himself. He lost his diligence to bring him decisions or directions. He walked till he found a railway trail. Not a station, a railway. And he walked through it. Along the deserted railway. In his mind was all blank. He remembered when the police asked him;
“ Mr. McCowski, is there any other relatives to be let known of? Anyone at all?”
“ No one. Just me”.
That was his last word that day. Back on the railway.  He was still walking although it had become dark.  He lost his cause of life.  The sound of train woke him up. The sound of the antique steamed train. Rolling its way down to him. He stopped. Stepped aside and waited. The train passed in front of him. He looked all his way. West, east, south and north. There was nothing but cold woods. So, he ran approaching the train. His heart said  here’s the only way.  He ran and approached the train.  He got on the train, gasping and laid down on the goods cargo. Laughing a little as he thought of what he had just done. 
I sat legs out facing the best sunset on earth while riding in a train filled with hypocrisy.  “BUMM”.  I turned around, finding who the hell’s ruining my best moment.  I saw a magnificent creature laying and gasping on the wooden train floor. He was angel. At least he looked like one, despite his sweaty and stained creamed suit.
“ Are you an angel sent from above to save me?”  I asked the mysterious man.
No response. He could not hear me, I guess. I stared at him. He was laughing at himself and got up, stood on his feet and turned his back facing me. And screamed a bit chickenly.
“ Who are you, lady?” he asked me.
“ One of God’s creation. Mr-i-Don’t-Know-Who,  I asked you that, hours ago, pardon me.”
“ Sorry, I haven’t notice you. Well, it’s a bit dangerous to sit there, miss…”
“who are you?” I asked impatiently.
“ I’m, I’m a nobody.”
“ Seriously? I thought you were sent by God to me.” I uttered.
“ Unfortunately, no.”
“ Your name, gentleman?”
“ Jacob.”
“kringgggg” the bell sounded.
I got up, took the long jacket of mine hanging by the door’s lock and ready to set off the cabin next to ours.
“ Well, Jake, that bell rings for me. Good luck! Run, if you never wanted to get caught. See you!”
“ Wait, miss.. your name is?”
“too precious to tell.. Good bye!” I shouted as jumped and ran over in the beside cabin. Heading to the diner’s cabin.  Mother would kill me if she found this out!
****************DINERS*******************************
“There’s sweetheart  Marlena! We are all waiting for you, dear. Like always.”
“All sweaty again? I wonder where have you been?” Harry, my fiance’ for the time being.
“nowhere, just on board, Harry, no worries at all.” I said while forking a lobster in front of me.

This train belonged to Harry’s father. I called him Uncle Gerald. He had gotten a new wife called, Joycelyn. We all called her Joy. On board are all the richies of Great town Winsconsin. Me and Harry are actually getting married in a serene town up west,  Queensland. There’s an old house of my late father over there awaiting for us. I had known Harry since I opened my eyes. We loved each other as siblings. But our family’s planned for us this big marital state. I hated this. He too. But we could not resist our family’s honor and pride. My father’s big company need to be saved from a big bankruptcy.  I was the trade. So does Harry, but he got other upside down story on his side. He was kidnapped last few years after he graduated the junior high. And Uncle Gerald happened to save him. He had sacrificed his life to repay his life that Uncle Gerald had saved. Even his ability to play music. I pitied him. But now, I had to pity myself. Well, mother would never let go of her filthy rich lifestyle. She was the first to force this Golden marriage. And made me wear this extremely tight and lacey dress. Richies looked good, she said. And the smile I could sincerely make was when I looked at the sunset everyday, even if arter that, I had to rush all the way to the diner and attentively listen to the annoying compliments from the newly found aunties and possessive uncles and Harry. He just had to work real hard to get my real love. Poor him? Yes. Poor me more!
“ Sir, we found an unidentified man in the cargo cabin.” A bodyguard whispered in Uncle Gerald’s ear. I was reminded to someone. His name was….. wait I could not recall! The angel! Who was it…..
“Bring him to me.” Said Uncle G.
Soon, the man was brought in . he stood in front of us. His eyes were locked to mine. I looked somewhere else. ‘told you to run!’ I said in my heart.
“who are you?”
“Jacob”
“why are you on my train?”
“your train?”
“yes, any problem wiith that.  Young man?”
“no, not at all. Its just that I found your daughter there….”
“uhukkkk uhukkk ummm hmmm!” I made that cough out.
“Are you okay, Marlena?” Harry encountered caress.
“Marlena? Is that your name?” the man said.
“who are you, again?”  Harry asked.
“Jacob. I accidentally jumped on your train, sir. Sorry for that.”
“accidentally?  Nahhh… drop him off the next station.”
He was dragged away.
“wait. Wait up. Your horse is extremely ill. If you can fix it without me then, drop me off”
“and who are you?”.
“Jacob, vets in Harvard.”
“you’re a graduate from Harvard?”
“umm,… yes.”
“take good care of my horse.”
“<smiling> I will”. He said.
“have you eaten? You don’t look like a doctor at all when your stomach kept growling…. Like… like a very.. hungry rat.” Busted Marlena. Busted me.
“No, thank you. That’s very thoughtful of you.”
“I was not offering, I was asking.”
“oh.. well not yet.”
“Hector, do you mind?” signing for Hector, my guardian to feed the angel. He was gorgeous.
Harry gave me the look of, we need to talk!. 

actually aku dah mengarut nih tapi lebih kurang lah ceritanya, and more magics. aku ngantuk and bantal dah memanggil manggil. tak lama lagi mak pulak memanggil manggil suroh anak dara dia bangun kan, so, stakat ni dulu entri aku. adios
scarred;

Monday, June 6, 2011

holiday hindustan aku.

rasanya, kalini punya cuti banyak hindustan dowh.
yes agak ngeri sebab dah lama tak tengok hindi moviually. tapi naseblah kaan. 
sape soh citer lain sume tak best..
entri kali ni tak de ilmiah sangat. 


aku teringat kata kata anwar hadi dalam salah satu vlog dia. entah tak ingat mana satu.
katanya, have scripts before you start a video. 
samelah macam buat blog, kan?
have some scripts first.
tapi,, not necessarily, aite?
i can blog without scripts but it'll be in a bit mess.
whatever lah. janji, ANWAR HADI, you made me LIKE you tho.
mdluth fi is not bad at all. penuh dengan sense of humor. like you too, tho.
but sometimes aku suak tengok orang berhabuk habuk speaking london, although he's not london at all <anwarhadi>.


yang penting vlogs macam tu, is very useful dan sangat sangat smart. 
they looked educated tho. ape ape lah peeps, kat sini aku nak share one vlog.
he's actually my senior. a very good one. SMART and sangat sangat pandai. 
abang aiman...


he's ktua batch dulu, tak silap. batch yang dapat nombor 1 tuhh.. 
share lah.

scarred,

Saturday, June 4, 2011

PLAN

cukuplah dengan KLCC, JAYA JUSCO, dan SEGALA PEMUAS NAFSU MANUSIA YANG LAIN.
today is sunday already. i have less than 7 days to prepare for my SPM. WHOAA!
first things first.
we are over for this year, okay?

  • get rid of boyfriendsS. <as if they realise they are mine>

  • get rid of  MOVIES <hindustan only allowed>
  • get rid of late mornings <wake up soon after mak jerit>
  • get rid of MALASness <Allah tolong aku!>
  • get HOMEWORKS done!
  • get CHORES done <cemerlang seiring dengan anak yang baik> kihkihkih
  • belajar MASAK banyak2 <untuk masa depan yang cerah>
  • revise HARD topics
    • add maths
    • chemistry
    • biology
    • physics
  • manja2 dengan mak giler2. <sbb after this akan tension giler kat maktab, so kne bawak bekal siap2.
  • WORK THE HELL OUT MY PLAN!!!!!
DOA: ya Allah, kau makbulkanlah doa kedua ibubapa kami, doa cikgu syahid kesayangan kami, doa guru2 serta ahli keluarga kami yang mengharapkan kejayaan kami. sesungguhnya hamba mu ini terlalu hina untuk berdoa kepadamu. kami merendahkan diri untuk menakluk cinta mu dalam pada itu kurniakanlah kejayaan dalam SPM '11 didunia mahupun di akhirat. amiiiin.

p/s: stress bila buat apa2 teringatkan buku, homework and all the stuffs. so, i have to sacrifice all these untuk dapatkan kejayaan itu. nothing comes rolling, aite?
go ADIBAH go!!!! hmmmmph.

i love you, at least what's left of you, kawan.

aku selalu stalk kawan aku punya blog yang satu ni. 
i mean, i know whats going on in her life, recently,
selepas dia keluar from my eyesight.

dulu2 dia sangat teruk, u know. tak lah teruk berbanding sekarang.
<judgementalnye aku ni.>
tapi, sejak dia satu rehab dengan aku, dia makin okay, she admitted this herself.
iyalah, semua orang tahu diri masing masing, kan?
perubahan, itu yang aku nampak. dia sedar akan perubahan itu. 
dan, hidayah. dia kejar hidayah allah tu.
PMR proved to me how she was such a good girl. i have fallen for that girl.
i praised lord for her goodness.i praised lord that she had found her way, perhaps as much as i have found mine.

aku boleh mengaku kat sini. aku dulu tak baik pon. this rehab buat aku SEDAR, terbuka mata.
alhamdulillah. i stand as who i am now, with faith in god.
so, there she was, takdir allah, the year 2010, we became close.
stay up same same. i help u, u help me. i see all the good things, sweetie.
and i have fallen once more for you. this friendship we built.
ada 2-3 makhluk allah yang tak nampak ni semua dari kau, kaan?
mereka mengeluarkan kata kata nista untuk perburukkan kau. kau stress dengan kesinisan orang2 alim ni, aku tahu. kadang kadang aku tak faham kenapa mereka yang alim ini, sinis sangat bahasanya.
atau, kita yang bersalah ni yang terasa lebih, entah la.

kawan aku ni, terkeluar drpd rehab ini. at first, aku yakin, ini jalan yang allah sediakan untuk kau jadi lebih baik, N. aku yang galakkan engkau untuk keluar. sebab pandangan orang dah buruk. kau takkan dapat terima whatever would happen next. kau pun memang nak keluar, kan. i supported you honey.

months passed until a year. almost every weekend we spent time on the phone. u tell me stories of ur life mostly because apa sahaja yang berlaku kat sini sama. you would know. hati aku rebah tengok gambar2 kau. alasan yang kau bagi untuk semua tu, ''that was my 1ST time wearing those, thise and that'',
sikit2 lama2 jadi bukit. alah bisa tegal biasa.
i know your heart misses the times kita spent kat surau raudhatulmuttaqin.
hati mana tak rindu kekasihnya?
u are feeding ur lust, thats for sure.
i am sad to see those pictures, those feelings of happy making sins.
this is because i loved you. always will.
its not that, i dont make sins. im a normal people who always learn from mistakes, sins.
and its not like you never got THAT education of being a muslim. 
where's the respect to yourself that we were being taught of in 2007?
lost. 

i know im not that FUN, exhilarating and ALL OUT. i am who i am. just note that, i will always be there when you needed me. there's a few words i would like to give you. 

seandainya sahabat itu menyesatkan kamu, maka tinggalkanlah dia.

this suits you better, sweet  :)
i missed you and i loved you. or whatever is left from you.
ingatlah balik apa yang kita belajar kat rehab dulu, N.
i believe you will find your way back if you ever wanted to,sayang. 
im happy to see you being extremely happy, its just not this way. 
Allah despise this. how can we reach Jannah together?
duniya is not forever. aku tak hidup lama kat dunia ni. 
menyinggah saja. 

p/s: mengata dulang paku serpih,
mengata orang aku yang lebih.
pffft. 



aku sayang ZAMHUSNIL.

Malam tu, <kira pagi buta gak ah.> .
zam antaq link kat aku, first2 x minat pown. aku tanya dia,
awat? ada apa? sambil ''open link in new tab''.
curiousity kills the cat, aite. well, i was killed heartlessly by ZAM's
freakingGODDAMNlink. bunyi dya tak tahan tuhh. *makimakimaki*
#1 dah lahh aku sorang.
#2 dah lah pagi butabuta
#3 dah lah sound dye cam haremm
#4 dah lah pintu bilik air terbukak

aku pun sepantas kilat menutup monitor laptop aku <setelah segala klik tak menjadi, entah hape yang aku klik>
dengan sepenuh kegigilan. sampai bunyi ''tapp!" naseb tak rosak! tapi bunyi tuh tak henti2.
aku berlari pecah masuk bilik beby yang kat sebelah je. muka cover je,
''panehh ah kat sbelah. adik tido sni mlm nih.''
''pehal?''
''panas lah. lau nak online amek ah laptop nih,... tapi! bukak bateri dulu. bru on.''
''apsal?''
''buat je lah, byk tanye lak! ah, teman adik amik bantal kat sbelah. heee :D''
''PENAKUT!"
''macam lah dia brani sangat! :P"

aku tido ngan beby mlm tu, macam haremm je. itulah zam, pencetus kaseh sayang aku dengan adek kesayangan aku, beby. that's why aku sayang kat kau, zam.

p/s: aku paham, zam gurau je. and there's no hard feelings at all kat aku pon. disini, aku cerita pngalamn aku je. and that's a very GOOD way to gurau. seriously, best gila! zam, nak link tuh, nak bergurau ngan org gak. kihkihkih.

scarred,