About why.

So i decided to take a rest. My flu desperately needs it.
I have anatomy and parasitology exam tomorrow. Parasitology is basically done.
Anatomy, i need fresh consentration instead of sneezing all the way.

I dreamt of going to places that needs the world's attention. Joining MERCY and stuff like that. I love the idea of helping people with whatever you are capable of.

I love volunteerism. I love giving though i may be stingy at times. I live making people happy somehow it enjoys me. Like for now i discovered how good a cook i am. I enjoy making good food and share it with everyone i can. At least i think they were good.

I entered medicine for reasons i couldn't explain. Most part of it, i do it for my parents. But now, i have gotten too far involved personally. Until i think everyone should learn what i am still learning in this field. It's so wide, so after world.

The more i learn, the more i feel lacked. I feel theres more to it that i should think of.

I may lose a lot of things coming to Medan. But i can assure you i am working my ass of to gain more. To gain most. And share most of me to anyone who desires me to.

Make me useful, i love it.

Know and Knew

I never meant to hurt anyone. But if i do, i will never have the strength to let them know i want to hurt them.

You see, Allah works in the most mysterious way. One day, you're at the top the next you'll never know.
In high school, my friends knew me as a person with a very honest tongue. I speak of what i feel. I was judgmental and failed to see what's best in people. I failed to reach out to the possibility that any person in the world would turn out to be better in future. I failed to treat people as good as i am but as bad as i thought they were. My ego was up high.

In my prayers, i never missed asking Allah to make me better everyday. I am a strong believer that life is a learning process but my expectations were not wide enough. In fact, it was so narrow it brought shame to me today.

I did wrong to some of my friends. I arrogantly assumed that they did not take the chances to be better when we had it- when we were at school, being taught and provided with generosity of our teachers and seniors giving lessons about life, religion. And that attitude had never made me better.

First day i came to Medan, i was placed with new friends. Friends with characters i thought only exists in movies. I had no choice but to adapt. It takes time but surely i will, the easy way or another. Plus, i am adapting with the new environment as well so why not take two wheels.

As i was placed far away from my finest friendships, i start working on building another. I absolutely cannot find the same friendships i had, but why not try building a better one. Or at least similar to what i had. Been four months, still building up. Holding up.

I learn so many new things, you see. My ego, my loudness, my assumptions of people i knew and just know starts falling apart. I was a know-it-all. I thought i knew a lot of people's character but apparently not.

I love seeing that actually, my friends back in high school knew the chances they had to be good. But they needed time. I forgot how hard it was to make changes to myself. I forgot that there was once when i was given the good chance and i took the time taking it. I forgot that i was worse. My self-righteousness is over whelming.

As for now, i give chances to myself. Give time to accept and always think of my flaws, my mistakes, how worse that i was. I teach a lot of patience to myself, rolling down my temperament. I try to stop assume and i see the best i people. I remind myself that this person has the potential of being better than me. A lot of reflections do miracle things to me.

Oh i really dislike the phrase "better than me". I'll work that out too.

And most importantly, i would love to be good to everyone. As good as i can be, not as bad as my bad mind think they are.

Still teaching myself some good things.

Not yet

Hi.

I had the days when i wonder when will it be my time to have different feelings for someone.

I thought for once when i met you, when i know how easily you make me laugh, i thought that was the time. But i doubt it, it was just the sense of humor you have in yourself or its just some plain law of attraction for an ordinary girl like me to like that character of a man.

So, i observed more. Maybe it was you or maybe its not. Yea, i like you. They call it crush, i call it playing dots. And you have a girlfriend, tho. I will not become in between of something.
Never.

Then i got a text from my Dad. Calling me sayang, and a plain explanation of what happened that day back at home.

And things we had ended at the same time. We never had seen each other out of that circle. And i take this as a sign from the Almighty.

Not yet, Adibah.

My dad, he is the only man who loves me this much. A much where nobody else in the World except for Allah to love me. It is normal tho, for me to love and hope for a stranger to love me back.

At the right time, the right place there will be the right man.

For now, im all my Daddy's. And the one who can love me the way he has, (never as much that he does) i'll be waiting but not yet. Let me fulfill my responsibility as his girl first.

Just not yet.