Its up to me.

I have had too many types of friends in my life. By too many i mean, they have been causing me all types of headaches, heartbreaks and sneezing all the time.

To begin with, I realized the importance of having friends and getting connected with other person besides your family when i was in high school. And i was always told that i put others before myself too many times. But for me, i have been selfish enough to let them befriend with me who has all the flaws a humanbeing can have.

But, all headaches and sneezing heal in time. Heartbreaks? They too heal but in a longer time.

I think i have no problem when some of my good friends stab on my back or decided that they no longer want me in their life. They can just leave its their right anyways. But there are times when i think i was the one who pushes them away. Not because i think i dont need them, its because i have the feeling that they want that but its too cruel to do it upfront. So i take my role not to make them feel so. That was not that hard. It was instead relieving (after a few days of thinking why the hell and oh i havent really miss a thing and yeah had to be emotional for 20 hours).

The worst of the worse, i have to eliminate them. Like deleting some useless files on my documents. I know myself as a very protective person of my heart. I hate to have to cry. To have to think that a few things might hurt me today. But thats life, had its toll and as a girl no matter how boyish you think you are- the tears gotta go out once in month at least so annoying.

Why eliminate people?
Because we were close. I thought we are. And i thought we know each other all too well to let ourselves down that if other people think we are sucking out life, we know we dont. That if every one else seemed to speak out loud about how low we are, we wont be thinking the same. Because we know each other well.
Turned out, i am the only one who thinks like that. Turned out close people becomes people. So instead of getting hurt and had to cry (ugh), i choose to let go. I dont want to stay even if its meant to stay. All those sincerity, honesty, and whatever else that i gave i think it stopped there.

I am tired, man. Seriously, why do everyone think i can take anything that they throw to me? What the hell. I am just trying to live. I am just trying to let myself be open enough to love myself. And yet you have to do that. Gila lah. Bukan sehari dua kenal bro. Sakit jugaklah jiwa ni. Even another outsider could think of me better. Kau dah kenapa pulak kan. Mungkinlah aku tak baik mana, tapi sampai macam tu kan kau kena pikir. Perempuan jenis apa lah aku ni kan. Now its up to you to think of anything because i wont get hurt anymore because you are no more a people of mine. Kalau jumpa kenal tegur setakat tu je lah. Lebih menyenangkan kau kan.

Manusia. Memang semua orang pun berubah. Aku sendiri mungkin setiap masa berubah dan aku tak tahu kalau ada sesiapa yang aku sakitkan. Tapi bila aku sakit, aku tahu. Memaafkan tu mudah. Alhamdulillah Tuhan tu jadikan hati ni mudah sentap. Semua ni peringatan dari Dia.

Tapi, bila aku kenal siapa aku. Kau takde tempat untuk rendah2 kan aku. Hurt me. Anyone can do that. But to think low of me, i just cant allow that from a person i was close to. 

I am truly grateful. Truly. That Allah show me the way to not to get hurt through this someone. He speaks the things i couldnt brain myself all the time and he meant well. And he was there when i was down. And he is my partner in crime when i needed to do some crime because hei sakitnya hati rasa nak tumbuk muka orang. You just love me completely. And all the time i keep you near me. (Selfish again!)

So i guess its true when they say;
When you know what makes you happy, you wont tolerate on things less than that.

Its up to me to be happy or sad. With friends or without friends. I just have to be me like i always do and life will always be life.