Know and Knew

I never meant to hurt anyone. But if i do, i will never have the strength to let them know i want to hurt them.

You see, Allah works in the most mysterious way. One day, you're at the top the next you'll never know.
In high school, my friends knew me as a person with a very honest tongue. I speak of what i feel. I was judgmental and failed to see what's best in people. I failed to reach out to the possibility that any person in the world would turn out to be better in future. I failed to treat people as good as i am but as bad as i thought they were. My ego was up high.

In my prayers, i never missed asking Allah to make me better everyday. I am a strong believer that life is a learning process but my expectations were not wide enough. In fact, it was so narrow it brought shame to me today.

I did wrong to some of my friends. I arrogantly assumed that they did not take the chances to be better when we had it- when we were at school, being taught and provided with generosity of our teachers and seniors giving lessons about life, religion. And that attitude had never made me better.

First day i came to Medan, i was placed with new friends. Friends with characters i thought only exists in movies. I had no choice but to adapt. It takes time but surely i will, the easy way or another. Plus, i am adapting with the new environment as well so why not take two wheels.

As i was placed far away from my finest friendships, i start working on building another. I absolutely cannot find the same friendships i had, but why not try building a better one. Or at least similar to what i had. Been four months, still building up. Holding up.

I learn so many new things, you see. My ego, my loudness, my assumptions of people i knew and just know starts falling apart. I was a know-it-all. I thought i knew a lot of people's character but apparently not.

I love seeing that actually, my friends back in high school knew the chances they had to be good. But they needed time. I forgot how hard it was to make changes to myself. I forgot that there was once when i was given the good chance and i took the time taking it. I forgot that i was worse. My self-righteousness is over whelming.

As for now, i give chances to myself. Give time to accept and always think of my flaws, my mistakes, how worse that i was. I teach a lot of patience to myself, rolling down my temperament. I try to stop assume and i see the best i people. I remind myself that this person has the potential of being better than me. A lot of reflections do miracle things to me.

Oh i really dislike the phrase "better than me". I'll work that out too.

And most importantly, i would love to be good to everyone. As good as i can be, not as bad as my bad mind think they are.

Still teaching myself some good things.