Dear Allah. I am just so sorry.

its just that sometimes you feel like knowing everything is a disaster because you only know things but you cant control things?

and when it does happen the way you expected, you become devastated because its not what you have wanted. but yeah, strenght says ÿou knew about this, you can still stand for today"

and then tomorrow, when you realize that you're just like everybody else you fell right on your knees. 

just like everybody else you cry.

just like evrybody who didnt know it was gonna hurt, you felt hurt.

you gotta know that you're still someone who had knew. someone different and special.

you gotta remember that you stood still on the day coz you had strenght.

it is because you're a human that you shed a tear.

someday, somehow, somewhere, there will be people who knows that finding and spending time with you is a no joke. is worth the life they are living.

so its okay to fall today. and its okay to cry.

because you are worth it. maybe not to the hearts of people you expected the most, but to god who gave you today.

sometimes you forgot to pray.

Sometimes love just aint enough

Now, I don't want to lose you

but I don't want to use you

Just to have somebody by my side.

And I don't want to hate you,

I don't want to take you

but I don't want to be the one to cry

And I don't really matter to anyone anymore.

But like a fool I keep losing my place

I keep seeing you walk through that door.

But there's a danger in loving somebody to much

and it's bad when you know it's your heart you can't trust

There's a reason why people don't stay where they are

Baby, sometimes love just ain't enough.

Now, I could never change you,

I don't want to blame you.

Baby, you don't have to take the fall.

Yes, I may have hurt you

but I did not desert you.

Maybe I just want to have it all.

It makes a sound like thunder

it makes me feel like rain.

And like a fool who will never see the truth

I keep thinking something's gonna change.

And there's no way home

when it's late at night

And you're all alone.

Are there things that you wanted to say?

And do you feel me beside you in your bed

there beside you where I used to lay

when i dont fuel my car, occasionally it will burn out.

so this is how people have been doing it. 

i hate it because i always wanted to be consitent in this.

and tried to be my best version.

but it doesnt pay off.

the trust i gave,

the things we been through.

i was being understanding, i

but it was only tolerance because i accept my foolishness 

of not being able to understand.

and you know how tolerance go.

it occasionally will burn out

if you take it lightly

and there will be people who cared enough to fuel it again.

i cannot teach, i am not a teacher.

but this feelings i am having, 

they are taking so much of me.

worriness, love, pain, longings, hurt

things im not familiar to care with

when you said, 

"can we take a break?" i know you were not questioning. 

it wasnt a choice for me.

and it never gets better.

i dont know how to get better.

i tried patience

i tried laughing

i tried reasonings

i tried pulling tides

and pushing you

i tried kindness

i tried using space, giving space.

but you always needed more.

the one thing i havent tried is

to let go.

its risky but only i can save me 

i know you tried too.

but you did better

this fear you have surrounding you

and the unwillingness to share it with me

its frightens me

how we change and you not see.

how can i mingle

when i am not needed?

i truly do not know how

how can i stay 

when my questions are left unanswered?

i want to be apart of your life

anywhere you are

but if i can only be in one part of it

its heartbreaking

oh! all this same old talks, you know better.

i love me 

and i love you.

but i am burnt out.

mula dan akhir

hidup ini bermula

tanpanya ada apa apa

begitu juga lah hujungnya

harus pulang cara serupa

seketika disini

persinggahan mencari erti

sebelum waktuku terhenti

setinggi mana pun mendaki

sejauh mana pun berlari

dan mengejar duniawi

pasti tiba satu hari nantiku di uji

jatuh terpinggir sepi

sungguh aku yang tak bisa

menghalang suratan yang sudah

di arah hanya bermampu bersabar

dan sujud pada nya sebelum

di hitung sebelum dihukum

hanya mampu lafazkan bisik bisik taubat

moga diputihkan segalanya

seringkali terlupa melalui jalan yang salah

leka dan hanyut dalam dosa sehingga kabur mata jiwa

seketika di sini persinggahan mencari erti

sebelum waktu terhenti

The fact that you always have choices but refuse to consider.

The fact that you keep on thinking about all the good things just to make sure you dont go astray.

The fact that some other people paid more attention to you than people you expect more attention from.

The fact that you realize everything.

The fact that you are just you.

And the goal is to graduate real soon so that this mess here, stays here. With all the good great thing?

I wish i can bring home those goodies.
Fact that i can just wish.

Time was unhealing for us. It was rather pulling the tides between myself and what i am going to do. I know i dont own my heart or anyone elses.

I dont know how far i can go with this thought. But i do know it was respect that i was looking for in this world. Not too high so that people bow when they look at me. But enough so that they behave in front of me. Because Allah loves good deeds, beautiful manners and souls which get cleanse often enough from coloured they become pure and white again.

It was lacking for me because i lacked. I know respect came when you respect yourselves. Achieve something or write good articles, speak good speach, make life of others more meaningful than it used to be.

I was the girl that make changes in the world. I could speak in two languages better than the native, write essays, articles and letters to spread messages, used good words only when speaking and mannered to all kinds of being. I was that girl.

It suddenly hit me when i looked in the mirror nowadays and see myself so frightened and dependent. My heart has become so stiff as stone. I could look away from an elderly who lives beside my house when all he wanted was a salam despite his dismannered assistant.

I could do that now.
I never thought i could.

I now can ignore certain behaviour of people. Which is good sometimes because this is a cruel world.

But i realized that wasnt me.

I am someone who cares if my neighbour talked bad behind me. Who would smile the scariest smile even if i do not like what that person does to me.

Well, it wasnt a self-compliment. Its just my weakness that i have to do it because i do not own anything in this world. Its Allah's.

But i think im losing.

Would he

Sampai umur 22 tahun orang kata perempuan ni dia tak pikir pasal benda lain. Dia nak pikir pasal kawen je.

I do believe in myself. I believe i am different. I believe everything that we are, are different.

I should just believe in you. Patience is key. Allah loves the patient dont He?

So He must love me to make me find you.

I just want Him to love me, bib. Would He?

Null

Entah apa lah yang manusia hendakkan dalam dunia ni.
Entah bila cakap jangan dia sebenarnya menghendak.
Entah bila cakap percaya sebenarnya dia tidak.

Doa sahaja yang menjadi pengikat.

Harapkan dia. Mungkin tak perlu.
Berharap pada Tuhan.
Kalau sudah tertulis, maka tak kemana.

Turning tables

Dan bila kau melihat wajahnya hatimu menjadi tenang.

I hope thats when i look at you.

The breeze, the slow motion, the filters my eyes have when i see you. I hope thats calamity.

And so do you as you say.

I hope its forever. For how ever long that ever will be. It will be longer than that.

For me. I know how the world circles. It is always costly and unfair. But i believe, Rabb is just.

So i pray.

Seluruh

Bukan mudah percaya
Bukan mudah nak suka.
Dan sebab itu aku taktau apa nak rasa.
Sakit ke.
Sedih ke.
Risau ke.
Takut ke.
Kadang2 rasa2 tu bersatu.
Padahal aku tak risau. Aku tak takut.
Bukanlah maksud aku untuk menangis.
Itulah benda yang paling aku benci.
Paling aku resent. Seumur hidup.
Tapi air mata perempuan itu memanglah murah harga dia.
Kalau tak beli pun dapat free.

Dan aku perempuan.
Mana aku nak lari. Seribu kali cakap tak pun sebenarnya ya.
Habis separuh nafas aku pun cakap tak. Aku ni perempuan.

Janji yang aku pegang takkan aku lepas. Aku tahu aku tak perlu pegang erat dia tetap akan tertunai. Sebab kau. Bukan orang lain.

Tak pernah macam ni. Aku ingat rindu tu manis. Manis2 pun pedih mata. Lol.

Hati ni baru nak belajar merasa. Baru nak kenal rasa2 halusnya seorang perempuan. Alangkah lamanya aku meninggalkan mata aku kering dulu sampai pernah aku lupa rasa menangis. Sekarang? Tak tertahan. Dari mana lah datang air banyak2 pun tak tahulah.

Aku risau, aku tahu. Banyak sangat kekurangan aku yang entah kalau dibanding dengan perempuan lain mahupun kau, serendah dunia ni lah tempat aku.
Bila ingatkan Tuhan tu Maha Adil, lagi aku risau. Lagi aku takut. Tapi, Tuhan baik, takkan lah kita dipertemukan atas alasan untuk menyakitkan hati? Takkanlah. Sebab dah terlampau sayang ni. Takkan lah Tuhan nak main2 kan doa kita? Nauzubillah. Ar rahman Ar rahim mendengar, kan habibi?

There will be no one else to love me like you. To touch my family's heart like you. To take care of me like you. Who has the will to guide me like you.

And i love you too much too worry too much that i am a burden. That i am not qualified to ask for attention. And no one is guilty for that.

Hati tengah belajar sabar. Tengah belajar nak beremosi. Layankan lah.

Sabar lah. Sampai waktu untuk kita, maka untuk kita lah.
Memang kita berencana yang lebih mudah. Bercinta selepas nikah. Dan sebagainya. Tapi siapa mampu lari percaturan Dia?

I love you.
And i have nothing else to say.

Seluruh

Bukan mudah percaya
Bukan mudah nak suka.
Dan sebab itu aku taktau apa nak rasa.
Sakit ke.
Sedih ke.
Risau ke.
Takut ke.
Kadang2 rasa2 tu bersatu.
Padahal aku tak risau. Aku tak takut.
Bukanlah maksud aku untuk menangis.
Itulah benda yang paling aku benci.
Paling aku resent. Seumur hidup.
Tapi air mata perempuan itu memanglah murah harga dia.
Kalau tak beli pun dapat free.

Dan aku perempuan.
Mana aku nak lari. Seribu kali cakap tak pun sebenarnya ya.
Habis separuh nafas aku pun cakap tak. Aku ni perempuan.

Janji yang aku pegang takkan aku lepas. Aku tahu aku tak perlu pagang erat dia tetap akan tertunai. Sebab kau. Bukan orang lain.

Tak pernah macam ni. Aku ingat rindu tu manis. Manis2 pun pedih mata. Lol.

Hati ni baru nak belajar merasa. Baru nak kenal rasa2 halusnya seorang perempuan. Alangkah lamanya aku meninggalkan mata aku kering dulu sampai pernah aku lupa rasa menangis. Sekarang? Tak tertahan. Dari mana lah datang air banyak2 pun tak tahulah.

Aku risau, aku tahu. Banyak sangat kekurangan aku yang entah kalau dibanding dengan perempuan mahupun kau, serendah dunia ni lah tempat aku.
Bila ingatkan Tuhan tu Maha Adil, lagi aku risau. Lagi aku takut. Tapi, Tuhan baik, takkan lah kita dipertemukan atas alasan untuk menyakitkan hati? Takkanlah. Sebab dah terlampau sayang ni. Takkan lah Tuhan nak main2 kan doa kita? Nauzubillah. Ar rahman Ar rahim mendengar, kan habibi?

There will be no one else to love me like you. To touch my family's heart like you. To take care of me like you. Who has the will to guide me like you.

And i love you too much too worry too much that i am a burden. That i am not qualified to ask for attention. And no one is guilty for that.

Hati tengah belajar sabar. Tengah belajar nak beremosi. Layankan lah.

Sabar lah. Sampai waktu untuk kita, maka untuk kita lah.
Memang kita berencana yang lebih mudah. Bercinta selepas nikah. Dan sebagainya. Tapi siapa mampu lari percaturan Dia?

I love you.
And i have nothing else to say.

for starters

so stupid that i am about to cry when we were saying goodbye. despite the fact that we have 24hours a week together back in the place we met?

so dumb that i needed to know all your beings in one day.

need to charge my phone everyday.

need to see notifications every 5 minutes.

need to text every 2 hours at least.

to feel to need someone so much?

i am not depending on my past, nor i am being proud of it. but i was a lone ranger. desiring to conquer the world before i die. 

and then you came. and then i see a shared happiness. one bigger and brighter future. which i had no idea i wanted.

bib, being apart is good. so we get a chance to miss each other's presence. yeah you do that.

so we're going to have another new start together. may he bless. Lillahitaa'la that this will become our method towards something greater that brings us easier to an ijab and qabul? in shaa Allah.

pray for us. this is the night of barakah.

thats the only weapon we have dont we?

okay go do it!

Under The Protection

Assalamulaikum habibi :)

Lets protect our hearts
from loving too much of whats not ours yet (our hearts)
from forgetting to feed our souls with the recitals of the Quran
from being careless of our task to share our gifts with others

Lets protect our love
from being watched by the eyes of those who envies but only to those who loves us too :)
from remembering each other more than remembering Him
from the harams
from the fitnahs
from anything that ends.
from anything we hate.
from anything He hate.

Because love is sacrifice. Its not easy i know. But if its ours, then it will be ours. Have patience. Remind me too. And let Him protect us and have mercy. Never stop praying about us. I will never stop because unexpectedly, unbelievably and unacceptably, i have deeply fallen in love with you as unplanned (have mercy!). And i want to have a blessed marriage with you soon. Spend the rest of my life with you obeying Allah with you guiding me. So yeah. Lets be under The protection.

Chicken's Post

Theres always a cost to secrecy.
Theres always a life beneath hatred.
Theres always chickens underneath me.
And those chicken wanna come out and play.

Everything that happened has a cost.
May it vary from zero to one or none to millions.
May it be your confidence or yourself.
Where there is gain there must be lost.

Careful now chickens might make them hate.
For that is one you too kinda hate.
You know what you have.
And you have what you want.
So be it chickens or lions or dragons.
You are what you are now.

Dont care and listen to what people say.
You have their trust and it wasnt for you to betray.
And i wasnt betraying.
But it was expectations chicken dont plan on fulfilling.

It is not easy to do that. But it is fun.
For when i know what makes me happy, i now know, i will not settle for less.

Little

Some of the things we find unfit. Fo some of the things we find ridiculously annoying to ourselves. Feeling like how too much we can be to each other. Too much or too less and yet still care for each other. Still having not enough with all the too much. And having to be feeling adequate with whats less. And accepting who we are. But we are who we are. I know what i have for you. And what you have for me. And no doubts are spelled on it. But i am worried of me. The one who easily pushes away. Even when.
I dont want to.

Honestly for you

I act the way i do because i am still holding strong to the fact that i know who i am. It may seemed like i hurt myself unnecessarily, just to satisfy what you can never satisfy - the heart of a human being. But no, its not for me to show how kind i am. But to show people how kind God is to let you not see my rage, and all the bad effects of it. He loves the patient souls, dear. So i want Him to love me. And He gave me kindness so i lend it to those who need kindness.

I care a lot. Thats a problem I tried to solve for so long but it is to no avail. No matter how deep i am hurt, how low i am drowned. I come back up and do things like it never happened. It is the way i fight in life. I know it eats me up inside. I know it can be destructible for myself. But do you know how strong i am? Do you know how resistant i have become? And those resistance i build every day with the people who needed the kindness i am given becomes my reward in the after life. Because it is in my intentions that i do kindness for Him.

This is the depth in my heart that no one can possibly accept. I do not hurt myself. Nor i let them walk on me. I am just giving them the spaces they need to forgive themselves for what they have done. I am fine or i will be. It doesnt matter because time always heal my dear. I have no reflections. I dont want anyone to bear the things i bore. Its unpleasant. But it is who i am.

For you are right. But its easier this way. When i dont have to explain myself, i win. When i look them in the eyes and they cant look back, i win again. I dont need spectators glory. I just prove them how disadvantaged they can be when they do people wrong. I show them examples. I let them feel with hope that they will not do it again.

And of course, i am fine.
Even finer that i have you to be unfair to. To wipe the tears they cause me.
To pat on my back and say, i told you not to do this to yourself again and again.
And to love me completely.

Inside of me, i am enough. They who cause me to cry are my accessories. I needed them to cry. If not, i have no life.

I know you hate this. Your heart is with me and you feel hurt when i do so you dont want this. You hate me doing this to myself. You hate to have to be angry with me.

Its okay to hate.
Its okay to get mad.
You have all the right to.
Because my heart too, is with you.

Its up to me.

I have had too many types of friends in my life. By too many i mean, they have been causing me all types of headaches, heartbreaks and sneezing all the time.

To begin with, I realized the importance of having friends and getting connected with other person besides your family when i was in high school. And i was always told that i put others before myself too many times. But for me, i have been selfish enough to let them befriend with me who has all the flaws a humanbeing can have.

But, all headaches and sneezing heal in time. Heartbreaks? They too heal but in a longer time.

I think i have no problem when some of my good friends stab on my back or decided that they no longer want me in their life. They can just leave its their right anyways. But there are times when i think i was the one who pushes them away. Not because i think i dont need them, its because i have the feeling that they want that but its too cruel to do it upfront. So i take my role not to make them feel so. That was not that hard. It was instead relieving (after a few days of thinking why the hell and oh i havent really miss a thing and yeah had to be emotional for 20 hours).

The worst of the worse, i have to eliminate them. Like deleting some useless files on my documents. I know myself as a very protective person of my heart. I hate to have to cry. To have to think that a few things might hurt me today. But thats life, had its toll and as a girl no matter how boyish you think you are- the tears gotta go out once in month at least so annoying.

Why eliminate people?
Because we were close. I thought we are. And i thought we know each other all too well to let ourselves down that if other people think we are sucking out life, we know we dont. That if every one else seemed to speak out loud about how low we are, we wont be thinking the same. Because we know each other well.
Turned out, i am the only one who thinks like that. Turned out close people becomes people. So instead of getting hurt and had to cry (ugh), i choose to let go. I dont want to stay even if its meant to stay. All those sincerity, honesty, and whatever else that i gave i think it stopped there.

I am tired, man. Seriously, why do everyone think i can take anything that they throw to me? What the hell. I am just trying to live. I am just trying to let myself be open enough to love myself. And yet you have to do that. Gila lah. Bukan sehari dua kenal bro. Sakit jugaklah jiwa ni. Even another outsider could think of me better. Kau dah kenapa pulak kan. Mungkinlah aku tak baik mana, tapi sampai macam tu kan kau kena pikir. Perempuan jenis apa lah aku ni kan. Now its up to you to think of anything because i wont get hurt anymore because you are no more a people of mine. Kalau jumpa kenal tegur setakat tu je lah. Lebih menyenangkan kau kan.

Manusia. Memang semua orang pun berubah. Aku sendiri mungkin setiap masa berubah dan aku tak tahu kalau ada sesiapa yang aku sakitkan. Tapi bila aku sakit, aku tahu. Memaafkan tu mudah. Alhamdulillah Tuhan tu jadikan hati ni mudah sentap. Semua ni peringatan dari Dia.

Tapi, bila aku kenal siapa aku. Kau takde tempat untuk rendah2 kan aku. Hurt me. Anyone can do that. But to think low of me, i just cant allow that from a person i was close to. 

I am truly grateful. Truly. That Allah show me the way to not to get hurt through this someone. He speaks the things i couldnt brain myself all the time and he meant well. And he was there when i was down. And he is my partner in crime when i needed to do some crime because hei sakitnya hati rasa nak tumbuk muka orang. You just love me completely. And all the time i keep you near me. (Selfish again!)

So i guess its true when they say;
When you know what makes you happy, you wont tolerate on things less than that.

Its up to me to be happy or sad. With friends or without friends. I just have to be me like i always do and life will always be life.

Loyal Lullaby

It is not long after you lose something to know that you have lost something. But it is long after you lose something to know that you have something.

The sound of the rain becomes a loyal lullaby to the nights when you think about how life is treating you. How you are treating yourself. Unless the clouds refuse to rain, your own whinings becomes the lullaby and there you go, another sleepless night and tireful morning. Dreadful as it is, it is truly your only choice.
So the clouds refuse to rain for so many nights so what do you do?
You could seek the moonlight for some peace. But it will not be the same because you needed the sound of the rain to sleep. It is anyways your loyal lullaby.

Although some rain might come with thunder and strong destructive wind, it is your loyal lullaby. Or may it come so little rain and almost soundless, it is your loyal lullaby. It is the only good enough lullaby for you to sleep.

And you needed to sleep.

You are the only living soul I could allow my heart to reach for. To hope and to hold on to. As i need the sound of the rain to sleep, as i need the sight of you to get through my days and nights be it is only in my thoughts and not yours. Be it you think you're lacking something that i deserve, i know you are my good enough person. The only good enough.

And i need you to know that.