fiction to be restrained

the topic is simple, yet the issue is complicated to talk about. and think about.

as a girl, restrain is a huge word.

as so, i looked into his hazel eyes, hoping he would understand, what i felt.

i felt like being obligated to hear him, listen to his problems, his worries about this endless world.

but he didnt understand. he was passionately telling his stories. and my heart screamed out to let him know. but he didnt. he just didnt know. so, i let it passed. tomorrow, same thing went again.

somehow, i wondered for how long could i contain this feelings? i thank god for letting me to have this beautiful feelings. one day, i read a spiritual information for fools like me on the BADAR notice board.

janganlah kamu biarkan kami mencurahkan segala rasa hati kepada kamu, takut-takut, kamu, para muslimah menjadi bahan bayangan kami. dan, sesungguhnya, seorah perempuan yang beriman tidak patut menjadi bayangan mana-mana lelaki.

 i startled. i do like him. only god knew how i felt for him. but i didnt want to be the one for his lust! never! what  made us spendt most of our times were because of him telling his dirty little secrets to me. that felt so wrong  right now. so, i prayed that he would stop. i prayed with tears, if it meant that we had to go on our way if that what god's willing, so we had to go. 
you just had to be a fiction of mine. and i had to restrain myself. keep restraining from any man's desirous deeds. 
and i believe, the time will come soon.. for me to stop-.

lastly, i want you to take notice that,

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

saya BENCI nombor!!!!!!!
for some reasons i just hate add maths!
yes! i hate you! so what???
tanya lain, cara jawab lain!!!!
macam mana aku nak skor?
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
stresss gilerrrr!
aku nak jerit cam budak nih!

PUAS GILAK!
aku nak pegi kat jabatan matematik sedunia and cekik semua pembuat add maths or
whatfreaking ever!!!
F^^^^^^


*fish!

bijak and humorous!

sebenarnya, dah lama sangat jumpa si luthfi nih.

and beberapa vloggerlain. but then, i like this vlog the most!

 most?

yang ini, pandai. pendekatan yang sangat bagus for all malaysians

and i salute you, luthluth! haha

sudahla ada rupa, pandai guna.. hee.

pandaipun, rajin wat vlog yang berguna pun. dan banyaklagi.

LIKE!

kawan, thanks a million.

18 jun 2011.

ada banyak huruf, kaler koko.

tahun ini aku ada seorang kawan yang sangat, entah.

tiada perkataan yang aku boleh guna untuk describe kawan aku yang seorang ni.

yang aku tahu kami okay. 

kakak pernah tengok gambar dia. tahu kakak kata apa?

BESARNYA kawan adik.

haha, feel like laughing that time, i did anyway.

kawan ini tak baik and as far as i know, taklah jahat pun.

dia pemalu, katanya ikut sunnah rasulullah s.a.w. but for me, malunya, tak bertempat.

nak mengorat pun malu, nak bercakap pun malu. 

apa kaitan muffler dengan kawan ni?

dia, happen to be the first to give me a muffler, YAY!.<applause>

to me, dia layak untuk berada dalam SCAR CANTIC, for once.

muffler ni sempena birthday sebenarnya. BUT, punyalah lambat dia bagi.. 

alasan? MALU.

tapi kira bagus lah at least dia bagi, kan?

muffler datang dari Tanah Besar China.. wow.

bukan apa, aku ni jenis yang tak berapa pandai nak tunjuk yang aku sangat sangat hargai.

sangat sangat tau. rasa cam tak habis nyawa nak cakap TRIMAS kat dia.

so, TERIMA KASIH ONCE AGAIN.

aku tak tahu camana nak repay engkau, birthday kau belum tentu kita jumpa kan?

so, let me just help you in your ENGLISH eh?

mesti kau malu kan kalau baca nih?

lantak... 

and i take this muffler as your prayer for me to go overseas.. further study, kan?

and i pray you to be a pilot too. or whatever you wish to be. 

but first, kite kena struggle utk SPM okeh?

kirim salam sama mak kamu.

p/s: kat malaysia belum tentu aku buleh pakai muffler ni, but once aku pegi negara sejuk2, for sure aku pakai . and jangan nak buat awkward pulak lepas baca mende alah nih. 

breathe; untuk sekejap saja lagi.

aku merenung jauh ke dalam mata mak. masa ni, kami ada di cashier kat 1st floor of SOGO. jam Esprit tersarung kemas di tangan ku, aku kilaskan. 

thank you mak! I LOVE YOU! mmmuahhh. aku cium pipi mak.

ini sempena janji dia, untuk birthday aku. and memang jam aku semua dah keparat. eh, tak, aku memang dah lama tak pakai jam sebab aku dah hilangkan jam jam yang diberi kepada aku. tak hapalah. yang ini spesel. aku jaga elok2 eh. JANJI. pakka vadha!

jam baru aku. okay kan? boleh tukar kaler yang line tu.

mak letih, aku pun, nana pun. aku dukung pulak harith iskandar yang berat itu. jalan dan jalan dalam SOGO yang sesak. kepala hotak aku tak pernah berhenti fikir pasal SPM. sesaat pun, waktu sekarang ni. DUSHh! aku langgar zhafran yang berlari lari macam boleh lari je budak tu. entah, aku tak tenteram langsung. cepatlah SPM! beredar dari aku. aku serabut dengan kau. BEBAN tahu tak! aku kebalkan hati. sabar lah, nanti dah balik, tak boleh main dengan hero2 malaya ni lagi. takpelah. aku punyalah berlari lari dengan zack and iskandar. sampai aku rasa nak pengsan  sekejap. lupa pulak. semalam tak tido. pagi dah keluar KL. patotlah. 
beg spatah harem aku tak jenguk. baju skola ke hape semua aku tak hirau! BIARLAH! aku nak guna masa aku untuk benda lainlah!


aku akan mati balik ni, dengan HOMEWORK TAK SIAP.
TAK ULANGKAJI
TAK PREPARE!
EXAM"S RESULT.
ini semua pembunuh aku, kalau aku dijumpai, mati. polis tangkap mereka ni, sumbat dalam lokap. kunci kemas kemas. aku dah tak larat! letih sangat dah. cukuplah. *winkwink


jam baru! SEMANGAT menghimpun dalam badan aku, sabar iya? tak lama dah, KAU YANG AKAN BUNUH SPM! hahahahaahahahhahaha. 9A+ aminnn!

A TEMPT

this is my tempt on a tragic story, i created, i dont know already how to continue. too many in minds.

anyone to do it for me? please. most welcomed.

I held Mom’s old hands tight as if I wanted the blood rushing through her capillaries to stop flowing. Adrenaline rushed in my veins. My heartbeat was unbelievably fast. I gasped for oxygen to breathe.

‘’Mom…. Th..they…will hurt me…lik..like yesterday..’’ I spoke of terrifying my Mom’s temper attitude.

I was ignored.  Mom walked faster. She hurried us to Uncle Keith’s house. We could hear his hoarse voice calling for my Mom. I was dragged all the way on the slippery pathway 3 blocks away from our house. That was the second time Mom had ever brought me here. Yesterday, I went home 5 am in the morning. After being in a dark room in Uncle Keith’s house with a guy called Claude. We played chase and catch and hide and seek. But Claude played roughly until I got blood stained on my white lacey skirt. I was in a great pain last night. My six year old heart could not describe the pain on my bruised body. When I asked Mom, how to lessen my sickness, she just hummed and left me to sleep. I was not asked to bath and shower my sticky body. I was extremely uncomfortable. Not to wake Mom up, i tiptoed to the freezing bathroom floor and washed myself silently. Yes, it hurts me even more after I showered but after a while I felt fresher of myself. Fresher with the pain.

                We reached Uncle Keith’s house not long after hearing the voice. He was standing in front of the gate while his eyes were glaring like a hungry tiger towards my Mom. Signing how late we were. Mom pull my gripped fingers from her hand. Uncle Keith threw Mom a stash of cash. Then, she pushed me towards Claude who just came out of the house. Claude took me in his muscular arms and carried me away.

‘’No! Mom! Mom! He played hard, Mom! Mommy!’’

                ‘’MOM!’’ I screamed. Waking up my sleeping husband, Harry beside me.  He hugged me and whispered, ‘’shh, im here. You’re fine..shh.’’ my gasping breath turned to a sigh. i looked up in the ceiling and thank lord that it was only a nightmare of mine. A nightmare that had struck my sleep for the third time this week.

                 Harry was the only one who knew about my dark past, that I was sold to Claude after he had satisfied with the first trial. I escaped from Claude’s hell when I was 10. And came to live with  Martha, Harry’s grandmother whom I found on the roadside, looking for a fallen coin. I was all in dirt when we met. She took care of me until I was married to Harry last three years.    He was my heart and my soul.

                One fine day, I was attending a therapy session with Dr Dempsey. I received a phone call from Harry. He could not attend today’s session. So, I went on and on with dearest dr Dempsey. He was an extremely charming person and unmarried. I could have fallen for him if I was still available. I sat on a single seated leather couch comfortably. He sat in front of me. We had the usual conversation. This man taught me how to be a person that was free from the nightmare of the past. I was improving day by day. At the end of the session, dr Dempsey held my hand and give me some wisdom words. And he said, ‘’trust no one in life, rosie. Until you trust yourself.’’  I held that words.

                Harry came back late that night. Drunk. My temper rose. But  not too extremely that I couldnt control. I love Harry so much.  I led him to shower and bed without asking questions.              My mind was crowded with intensity of query. I wanted to know this so badly. Had Harry gone to his bad habit again? An alcoholic? No! I stopped myself from thinking negatively. But, today had became a routine for Harry and sadly, for me. He left me after 2 months of my pregnancy. He was unfound.

                Months passed, one morning, someone knocked my door as the sun rose, I opened the door and found an old lady carrying a basket of cookie jar. Freshly baked ones. The scent of it was so familiar. And lovingly missed. I looked up to her eyes to see who was standing in front of me. My body shook. I was trembling between my own feet. A pool of tear clouded my eyesight. I recognized this woman.

‘’Mom..”  I uttered.

“Rose. May I come in?” she said calmly. As if nothing happened.

“ No….” I was not looking into her maple eyes.

                I closed the door. Leaned against the door. Closed my eyes tight. Trying to recall what had happened. I met my long lost mother. The one I missed, but I feared. I fear that she would harm me again. But, I would like to hug her. Kiss her wrinkled cheeks and let her touch my expanding tummy. Her first grandson whose growing inside me. Tell her how much I missed her. But I was too afraid. And I needed Harry now.  

wahh, HEBATNYE!

satu malam <pagi butabuta> sampai jam 0707 pagi ni aku online chitchat ngan darling kakak. then, kak keen muncul gak kat facebook. darling jugak yang itu pun. tahan mata. kan?

family, cakap pasal tu lah hari ni. sayang sangat kat family aku yang besar ni. tahun ni kan, SPM.

aku serabut, so aku dah upload banyak sangat lagu hindi + mariah carey. pelik kan? macam tulah yang aku buat. benda benda pelik sebelum aku balik perang esok. tapi kakak aku aku i bunch of songs kat aku. katanya, nice adik, nice taht nice tu,

so, aku pun donload lah. hajat aku ptg ni masuk mp4.

satu lagu ni, best! yang len tak dengar lagi. 

okeh la jugak. hebat kan, the power of music.

this is nice to wrap my holiday. you and i collide.

collide to where, i dont know lah kan.

but this is the proof to faith and love.

i love my kakaks, we had a nice chat, and hillarious. 

we have our responsibility, aite?

our own goals. and guys.. lol.

i love you. all of you, not a piece is left. plus, yang ternoda sekali. ahaks.. bye, kak.

this is for you.

and kak keen too! bilo lah nok jupo plop!

bye world, wish me my best, okay.

pray me my success. amiiiin