Honestly for you

I act the way i do because i am still holding strong to the fact that i know who i am. It may seemed like i hurt myself unnecessarily, just to satisfy what you can never satisfy - the heart of a human being. But no, its not for me to show how kind i am. But to show people how kind God is to let you not see my rage, and all the bad effects of it. He loves the patient souls, dear. So i want Him to love me. And He gave me kindness so i lend it to those who need kindness.

I care a lot. Thats a problem I tried to solve for so long but it is to no avail. No matter how deep i am hurt, how low i am drowned. I come back up and do things like it never happened. It is the way i fight in life. I know it eats me up inside. I know it can be destructible for myself. But do you know how strong i am? Do you know how resistant i have become? And those resistance i build every day with the people who needed the kindness i am given becomes my reward in the after life. Because it is in my intentions that i do kindness for Him.

This is the depth in my heart that no one can possibly accept. I do not hurt myself. Nor i let them walk on me. I am just giving them the spaces they need to forgive themselves for what they have done. I am fine or i will be. It doesnt matter because time always heal my dear. I have no reflections. I dont want anyone to bear the things i bore. Its unpleasant. But it is who i am.

For you are right. But its easier this way. When i dont have to explain myself, i win. When i look them in the eyes and they cant look back, i win again. I dont need spectators glory. I just prove them how disadvantaged they can be when they do people wrong. I show them examples. I let them feel with hope that they will not do it again.

And of course, i am fine.
Even finer that i have you to be unfair to. To wipe the tears they cause me.
To pat on my back and say, i told you not to do this to yourself again and again.
And to love me completely.

Inside of me, i am enough. They who cause me to cry are my accessories. I needed them to cry. If not, i have no life.

I know you hate this. Your heart is with me and you feel hurt when i do so you dont want this. You hate me doing this to myself. You hate to have to be angry with me.

Its okay to hate.
Its okay to get mad.
You have all the right to.
Because my heart too, is with you.